So.....
I don't know where I am. Or what I'm doing.
Last night was HORRIBLE.
I went out with some people from work and hit the bars. (By bars, I mean bar...Jay Jays. We did go to the cell, but hey, that 'not being 21' thing really gets me down.) I didn't get home till 4:30 and the remainder of that time till 10 a.m. was spent fighting with Jamie. I'm not going to go into details and most of it is my fault (I'm PMSing majorly), but lets just say that we broke up. We're back together now, but it was the worst feeling in the world. I wanted to die when Patrick and I broke up, when Jamie and I did it felt like I was incapable of living. I gave him my ring back. Later today, he asked me "What did it feel like when you gave me the ring?" I said "Like I ripped my heart out of my chest and handed it to you." Because, you see, I don't consider this just a ring. I consider it our whole relationship. Like I am wearing our relationship-our love-on my finger. Symbolism really kicks ass.
I guess that isn't all important. Whats important to me right now is my fear for us. I can't help but be incredibly petrified that all this is going to end soon. I guess I'm just following the signs cause I've been through this before--twice. Maybe I should just trust more that Jamie and I are stronger then Brian and I or Patrick and I....we really are. And the thing that keeps me from going completly insane with fear is thinking "This is just a rough patch right now and we can get through it." We usually are very very happy. It's just that lately, when we fight, we FIGHT. Petty things develop and grow into relationship-threatening things. I think we just let our anger go to our head a lot of the time. I guess I just get so scared too that maybe one day we'll get divorced. And you don't have a clue how much I don't want that. I'm willing to really work and put everything I have into us. I really am. I hope he sees that now.
I'm really depressed. I haven't been this bad for a while. I just feel like the only thing I have is Jamie. I feel so abandoned and closed off to everything else. Work, school, my family, my friends....everything. I don't know how to fix it either. I don't do it on purpose. My family I can fix. I just need to spend more time with them. But everything else, it's like they put me in a small box and I can't get out. I can't fit in. Even my best friend abandoned me. I really feel like I'm losing my self in a big void. I don't know what to do to get out of it. I just have to look for the light at the end of the tunnel, I suppose. It's just hard to do when it feels like every breath you take chokes you. I just need to keep my spirits up.
This is all just in my head. Right?