I've just spent an hour and twenty minutes reading entries from my old journal from two summers ago.
It felt like I was reading someone else's journal. Like, that wasn't me. Things have altered so much in two years time that I can't even recognize myself.
I miss so many things.
I miss having the inspiration to write every day. I want so badly to start writing a story or something but it feels like my creativity is being held in a prison guarded by writer's block.
I miss my mom. I can't explain how I cry to the depths of my soul over her. I think her leaving was what changed me so much. I had to grow up. I had to grow up fast. I was no one's baby anymore. My mom was so good at preserving my childhood. When she was hear, it was so much easier to tap into this pool of ideas and write, and draw, and invent, and create. Thats all gone now. Sometimes I really think that the girl from two summers ago died Dec 12th 2002 with my mom.
Cancer killed us both. Cancer killed so many things in my family.
Its hard for me to even think about when my mom was sick because I have SO many regrets reguarding that. I can't even bring myself to mention them b/c they push so hard on my heart.
I just miss her.
I just miss her so much.
I miss my friends so much too.
I haven't seen any of my friends for more then two weeks.
It just makes me feel so alone. So detatched from the world. The phone rings and it's never them. Never.
Sabrina told me this is her last summer at home. It's probably a lot of people's last summer at home. That makes me feel like everything is ending. And I'm being left in the dust. They all have new friends. It's not as big of a deal to them cause they have other people. I don't. My friends from highschool are my only close friends. Mer lives in New York, Jasmine and Jen go to bars all the time (which I can't do b/c I'm not 21 and I'll have a baby when I am.)
It just feels like....
I don't even know.
Everyone forgets about me. I love my Jamie SO much but I need my friends too.
I'm SO scared for this summer.
I just picture myself locked in this apartment all summer with the baby while Jamie is at work. Alone. Everyone will be going to parties and out and I'll be here. And who would chose to come here instead of going to parties? I don't blame them. I'm so jealous of my friends sometimes. They get to be 20 going on 21. I'm 20 going on 31. The people I have stuff in common with now are my sisters. My 30-40 year old sisters.
I just miss being 20.
I haven't been my age for SO long though.
I know I've already said this 3 or 4 times, but I just REALLY miss my friends.
Juliann's going to Chile for a YEAR.
Carla's really into school.
I don't know where Emily's been.
I just feel like I'm sinking.
Alright. Thats enough of this self pity. Maybe a shower will help me.