Last night I spent a good chunk of time speaking to Brian Gilmore on the phone. And for the first SOBER time, I told him how terribly sorry I am. And he said it's ok. It's ok now.

I miss him. I spent last night falling asleep to the memories we have. He was the best kisser and even though at some points I didn't think so at the time, he was very caring and affectionate. An all around good guy.

So why did I do that to him?

It's kind of hard to say,really,now that I feel like I've changed. I can't tap into that old state of mind and answer. All I can do is be happy that Brian sees that I've changed as well and my first love doesn't hate my guts anymore.

Now, I'm re-examining my life. I mean, my life with boys and why I do what I do.Even though I haven't cheated on Jamie *and never will*, I'm still a world-class flirt, which is also bad. I wonder if I can ever change. If I can ever be happy getting attention from just one boy.

Who knows.

Why is it so freakishly hot in this apartment?