No, really. I'm crazy.

I haven't always been crazy, but when you get hurled head first into the life of a wife and mother at 21 years old, it can play with your head a little bit. Sometimes, the stress sends me spiraling into this void where I just feel like an empty vessle....staring at the wall...unable to hear my husband talking to me or my baby crying. Like a stone or something.

And then, just when I think I'm fading into a coma, all the thoughts--the horrible, guilty thoughts--come flooding into my brain like someone just burst open a dam and my head throbs and my eyes cry and I'm stuck....stuck in these raging rapids of emotion.

"I'm a bad mother"
"I'm a horrible wife"
"I can't even take care of my own kid."
"I have no future"
"I am so selfish"
"Putting your baby in front of the tv all day is not child care"
"I'm lazy"
"I'm dirty"
"I'm insane"
"I'm poison"

So,Jamie has to take the baby to his mom's because it makes him nervous leaving her with her mother. Understandable but heartbreaking.
So then I can't look at Marci. Everytime I do I start to cry.

She doesn't love me anyway. I see how she looks at Jamie. She doesn't look at me that way. So I guess it doesn't matter to her. Either way, she's without her Daddy so myswell be with someone who can take care of her. I don't feel very close to her lately because of it. It's been getting harder and harder and I think its effecting my ability to care. To care whether she's crying. To care whether she needs picked up. It's really starting to hurt.

So, that was my morning. After they left I slept the whole 6 hours till they came home. What a day.