These two voices are contineously arguing all day. Unfortunatly, the second voice makes a lot of sense.
But today, I came into the computer lab to read Jamie's extra-long email to me that he wrote at 5 in the morning. You see, we got in a big fight yesterday. I mean a I-slept-in-the-guest room fight. It all started because I had some issues with our relationship that everytime I bring up, he seems very annoyed by and we never talk about them. So I bury them deep down until Tuesday, I couldn't contain them anymore. So I wrote him a two page letter. Now, although it was a critical letter, it was in no way harsh and I even added some problems that *I* cause at the end to show him that I know there is two sides. So, I give him the letter last night, he reads it, and they doesn't want to talk about it because "he doesn't feel like ". Which, angered me unrecognizably. Because, to me, that seemed like my feelings and my want to work on our marriage didn't mean a whole lot to him. So, this morning he tells me he wrote ME an email. I get on to read it and it is SO long and VERY harsh. Some of the things, I definatly see where he is coming from and I definatly own up to it, but it seems like nothing in our marriage can every be solved because he refuses to ever own up to anything unless he has a critism to give back to me. So, I'm a little upset. I mean, he definatly has a right to tell me what is upsetting him since I did but seriously...he didn't have to be so mean and he seemed to turn everything I said around so it became my fault. I really feel stuck. I love him a lot, but to be honest, if this is how its going to always be, I'm never going to be happy in this marriage. It's times like this that I think about Florida.
For the most part, I'm a lot less mad and I think that we are both in better places to calmly and reasonably discuss our situation without a fight. So, who knows.
It's just weird to go from the girl I used to be to this. I wrote a poem about it in my thought journal. I'm not promising its any good. I wasn't trying to make it good. Just trying to put my feelings into words. Care if I share it? Oh, of course you don't. Mainly because you have no choice.
"I used to be a blue jean baby to someone.
Someone's tiny dancer.
Someone's star.
Someone's reason to wake up every morning.
I used to be the reason why someone was happy.
I used to be enough for him.
I used to be someone's plans.
Someone's date.
Someone's Valentine.
I used to be someone beautiful to him.
His prize.
His trophy.
I used to make someone feel lucky.
Feel special.
Feel like they were making others jealous.
Now, I'm scenery.
A picture.
A painting in his house.
I'm there, but he never looks anymore.
I blend into his life.
I used to be his life.
Maybe one day he'll wake up
and remember I'm his dream.
And that I'm still here."
That pretty much sums it up.
Yesterday at work, this crazy carry-out guy that was waiting in the lobby. He asked me if I was from the moon and when I asked why he said "because girls don't look like you on Earth." This would have been a lot more flattering if he wasn't mid 40's and creepy and if he didn't keep telling me this over and over. He asked me if my boyfriend appreciated me. I said "sometimes" and he said "for you, sometimes shouldn't be good enough." I don't know if Jamie appreciates me. In a lot of ways, I think I'm a catch. I'm pretty, funny, affectionate, passionate, creative and playful. But in other ways, I know I'm terrible. I'm a flirt, a tease, a liar (sometimes), selfish and an occasional partier. To be honest, I don't think I'd want someone like me. True, I've gotten better. I'm still a flirt, but not so much a tease anymore. I don't party as often, but when I do, I do it hard. Do my flaws mean that I have no right to feel the way I do? Should I just shut up and thank God that I finally found someone who cares enough to put up with my shit? I think I should, in some ways. Then again, I wonder if he'd still be here without Marci. I wonder if I would.
Well, I think this entry is long enough. Dave and I are going to Beechwood today to help him pick out clothes with his new found wealth. Maybe he'll reward me for my tiring efforts to make him fashionable and appealing to the opposite sex.