It has become a habit that when I am 5 or more minutes late for a class, do you know what I do? I just don't go. Yeah, I know its stupid. But I really hate walking in during a lecture and having to say "excuse me" "pardon me" "could you move your chair a...yeah...thanks." "sorry for stepping on your foot." I'm a very big nuisence (or however you spell it) when I'm late.

So that puts me here...in the computer lab. And even here, I feel stupid. Because everyone else is working on papers, and articles, and anything else school related and what am I doing? Oh yeah, reading old entries in my archives and writing new ones on diaryland. VERY important business here. Right now, I'm the girl with the ipod taking up a computer for no good reason. I feel so lazy.

I think another reason I feel so lazy is because I haven't been taking my ADD meds. But the truth is, I'm scared to take them. They send me in a tizzy with side effects and I really hate it. I'm very confused.

Jamie and I are still doing very well. But, to be honest, I feel so incredibly horrible for what I did that it is hard to be with him. I don't deserve his love and so it makes it hard to handle when I recieve it. I can't erase the past so how can I get over it? Sometimes I hate Frank. Maybe not hate him, but hate what he did. He set a trap for me and I walked right into it and now my whole insides are poisoned by him forever. He can go on with his life, but I am stuck here. What happened is fossiled inside my head and my heart.

I have everything to lose and he has nothing. What the hell was I thinking? He always had the upper hand and he pulled my golden strings the way he wanted me to go. I was his puppet. With a painted smile and shiney eyes. And he can just cut the strings and walk away, leaving me lying on the stage.

Now there is a huge gash in my marriage.

Jamie can forgive me, but can I forgive myself?

p.s.-I edited my "50 things" entry from Sept 14th. You should go check it out.