Dear Momma,

I went to your grave today. It took forever to find due to the snow. Your's was almost completly invisible! If I didn't find Grandma's and Uncle Frank's, I would have never found you. I brought you a red rose and placed it on top of your head stone. It looked so delicate as it became laced with snow flakes. Jamie and Marci waited in the van for me. I feel weird going there with them. I don't know why. I wanted to talk to you more, but I felt uncomfortable. Thats why I'm here.

Marci is getting so big! I really hope you can see her. She's beautiful. She has Jamie's big brown eyes that look up at you with so much soul. Sometimes, I swear I see you in her eyes. I've never seen Dad so in love with one of his grandkids. She's been so good for our family. She brought us our of the blackness that your death caused. Our family doesn't feel as empty anymore. I'm glad that Greg got to see her once before he died. I hope you're not disappointed in him for what he did. I feel sad that he felt he couldn't bear to be on this earth anymore, but I think losing you was too much for him. I am glad, however, that you weren't here to see him go. He was barely recognizable as my brother. It would have broke your heart.

I'm sorry, Mom..I still don't have my liscense! I know you were so gung ho about me getting it, but no one else pushes me to do it like you did. I know thats no excuse. I'm really gonna try to get it soon! Jamie said he'd take me out driving. He's so wonderful, Momma. I know you didn't like him. But, you didn't get to know him. You only didn't like him because he didn't have a job or his liscense! But, I swear he's good to us. The best we could ask for! I think you'd be proud of my choice if you could see him now. Dad really likes him. Dad's so weird, Mom. I'm sure you already know this! He's just so silly. But he's doing really well, lately. I go over there for dinner a lot and he watches Marci for me sometimes. He's supposed to go on a date this week. She sounds nice, but I think he can do better. He really hasn't dated since you at all. I don't think he has been ready until now.

Everyone else is doing very well. Maria found an amazing man that I really think you'd like. His name is Sam and he is so incredibly sweet and good to her. Dad loves him too. He's bringing his 3 year old daughter Maddy to Christmas with our family. Tami and Tia are ok. Baby Luke is 3 months old now. He looks like Mr.Magoo. All the other kids are doing well. Anna will be a senior and she's so beautiful and Julia is really getting a special grace to her. She's going to be gorgeous. Michael and Aaron are going to help us move into our new apartment on Saturday. I can't wait!

Mom, I can't even tell you how much I miss you. Words fill up my chest when I think about it. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for not being there more during your last couple months. I don't know what was wrong with me. Running away from the problem, I guess. But its the biggest regret I have and just thinking about it makes me cry. I was so selfish. I didn't want to accept it. I really didn't. I really wish I spent more time with you. Sat with you. Talked to you. Told you how much I loved you and how incredibly lucky I am that you were my mom. You were my "Momma" always. Even at 18/19, you were still "Momma". And I was your baby. Your kitten. I have so much pride knowing that I was your favorite. You loved on me so much. I never saw such an affectionate mother as you. I was so lucky. And it hurts to know I'll never have that again. Sure, I have Dad, but its not the same. He isn't the same as you. He loves me as much as you did, but not with the same gentleness as you. I miss that so much. The only way I can ease my pain and my lose is to love on my Marci the way you did with me. It's the only way I can feel that again.

I wish you could see me now, Mom. I'm different. I'm more mature. Less selfish. Shorter hair :-) I am not the silly girl of 3 years ago. I've really grown a lot since losing you. Since losing Greg. I want Marci to know you. To know about you. To be proud that you two share the same name. I'm going to do that for her. I'm going to show her who you were.

I love you,
Your Kate.