I was tagged by the dear ZuZu.

1.) I am a very paranoid person when it comes to whether or not I could get killed or raped or something. It's to the point where it really gets on Jamie's nerves. I'm border-line obsessive over it. I'm always looking for potential danger in a situation. For instance, Jamie went into the grocery store last week and left me and Marci in the car, and my first instinct is to find my escape routes, scan the parking lot for suspicious people, Make sure my doors are locked, and try not to have my back to anyone. I won't go anywhere by myself and if I am, I am on my cell phone. If I'm alone and I order pizza, when I open the door I'll be like "Jay! Pizza's here!" So they think I'm not alone. It's something I need to get over.

2.)Another sort of death one: I CONSTANTY think Jamie is dead. I am actually obsessive about this one. It's worse then my first one. If I don't hear from him enough, I spazz out. I can NOT relax until I hear from him. I just think the worst EVERY time. I imagine these horrible sitatuons and its all I can think about. He took the exchange students to Cedar Point 3 hours away and didn't call me the whole time (well, he forgot his cell, but they have pay phones!) and I freaked out all day. I couldn't sit down. I would have to tell myself "ok, I didn't hear anything from the police...is my phone on? is it charged? ok..they would know to call me right? Does Jamie have his phone number on his liscense?" There was once a couple weeks ago that I got out of class early and I couldn't get a hold of Jamie to pick me up and when I did finally get ahold of him, he had 28 missed calls. ALL from me. Thats my #2

3.) Even though I am thin and people say I have a nice body, I am NOT in shape at all. I have absolutly NO muscle and I get out of breath going up the stairs! I can count on one hand how many times I've excersised and I never eat healthy. I have no stamina.

4.) I will not leave the house without concealer on. I have terrible circles under my eyes and I'm really embarassed about them. I will go 6 days without washing my hair, but God forbid you see me without concealer.

5.) When I was 1 or 2, I was pronounced dead. I swallowed a grape whole and choked. I stopped breathing and went completly blue and my heart stopped. My mom literally reached down my throat and pulled out the grape. And now look at me! I'm fine! But, since that, my whole family and myself cut our grapes up into unnessecarily little pieces for our kids.

6.) I will not eat anything I'm not in the mood for. I would rather go hungry. It drove my parents and now Jamie up the wall, but I just can't do it!

Ok I'm tagging Lerin, Theresa, Jessica, and whoever else wants to do it!

I'm having a really difficult day. Today started out fresh with nothing but hope. We were going to the special ultra sound and finding out the sex of our baby and then Jamie was taking me shopping for some cute new maternity clothes. We go into the office and I am wearing my tight little shirt and my purple skirt, proudly displaying my bump. So, we start the ultrasound and the nurse tells us, MUCH to my surprise, that we are having another little girl! So then she says "the doctor might want to take another look so I'll be back." Jamie and I were elated and talked about names and dressing her and Marci in matching dresses and all kinds of girly girl frilly pink stuff.

So, Dr.Khawli, a very friendly doctor, comes in and starts rescanning my ultra sound. Thats when the whole world went gray. He found cysts on her brain and said that alone, it could be nothing and would just go away, but if he found something else, then there is a chance she has down syndrome. He found something else. She has something wrong with her heart. There is a hole in her ventricle. He told me she has a 1 in 4 chance of having Down Syndrome and that there is a chance that she might not be strong enough to survive going through child birth. He said if she doesn't have down syndrome, then the heart thing could either go away on its own, or they could do surgery. But he doesn't know if she would be strong enough for surgery if she does have down syndrome. They did an amniocintesis and we'll find out in 10-14 days about the down syndrome and then we go to a special pediatric heart doctor to find out about her heart.

I'm really out of sorts. This is the worst I've felt in a while, but I'm trying to be strong. I mean, there is still a 75% chance she doesn't have it. So, the odds are in her favor. But, when I think about that 25%, I feel awful. I'm trying to be strong and think positively. Trying to think about how down syndrome children are so affectionate and lovable and a lot of them can function just a little below average. I'm trying to keep all these thoughts in my mind. But, I have to be honest, I'll be devastated if she has it. Everything changed today. I went into the office SO proud and excited about getting bigger and getting a new precious little girl. Now, I feel almost dirty. I want to wear baggy clothes so no one knows I'm pregnant. Instead of being excited, I feel dread. I know that probably sounds terrible and I'm probably a horrible person, but I can't help it. I feel so much less of an attachement to this baby now and its killing me.

I don't WANT to be like this at all. I really don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it if she does have it. I am in no way saying that I would even consider an abortion. That is like saying I don't trust God to give me enough strength. I just want a healthy baby. I can't even talk about babies or look at kids right now. I start to cry. I just think "Why isn't MY baby this way." "Why do THEY get a healthy baby." I feel so helpless and scared and guilty all at once. My once happy, hopeful feelings are replaced with all this rot.

But I want to stay positive. Here are the good signs: 4 weeks ago, this special doctor did a measurement of the baby's head to see if she had down syndrome and her head size was completly normal. And also, no one in mine or Jamie's family has it. And, I know that even if she does have it, I'll still love her. She'll still be a joy. It's just difficult right now. But please--we need your prayers. Please pray that my baby girl is healthy and normal.

What a day.