Jamie and I leave for the Outer Banks on Sunday. Well, actually, we leave for Columbus on Sunday, but we leave from Columbus for the Outer Banks Sunday night. There. Thats better.
I just can't get myself moving today. I don't know if I already posted this here, but I found out on Weds that I am almost as enimic (or however you spell it) as you can get and if I don't get my iron levels up, I will need a blood transfusion when the baby is born. So, this explains why I get winded so easily and am pretty much exhausted beyond measure most of the time and also my dizzy spells. Right now, I feel like someone is syphing out all my energy and I am just a deflated version of myself. I really hate feeling like this. I get down when I don't accomplish anything in the day.
Another reason why I am somewhat down is because Jamie and I were discussing my college career yesterday. Anyway, it looks like eons before I graduate...IF I graduate, I don't know if I can even so what I want to do. I'll need to maintain a 3.0 gpa PLUS some other qualifications that seem impossible to be able to be in the adolesence education program. And that just seems nearly unreachable for me. I've never been good in school. I used to blame it on laziness, but I think that might have just been my way of getting out of the real problem. By being lazy and not working hard, I could blame that instead of facing the fact that maybe I'm just not smart or I have a learning disability or SOMETHING is wrong with me. Because, even when I do try my best, I still don't do very well. Last school semester, I really did do my best and I was taking classes that I'm really interested in and that is supposed to be my "forte" and I got a D and a C in two of them! It is just SO disheartening.
I just wish I could find my path. Find what I am supposed to do. I just feel so worthless. I just want to do something that I can be proud of (besides my two girls). Something that makes me feel accomplished and good about myself. Jamie told me that he thinks I should take a break from school until the kids are older and just be a stay-at-home mom for a little bit. While this sounds like a completly logical solution, I don't want to do it. If I'm going to finish college, I want to do it as soon as possible. I'm sick of putting my business life on hold. I want a career. I want to qualify for a job that doesn't require me asking "Would you like soup or salad with that?".
Plus, I've been having a lot of issues regarding Jamie and my stay-at-home mom status and what he expects of me and I don't know if I can handle that for a couple more YEARS. I don't know why I haven't written about it in here sooner. I think about it every day.He just makes me feel so inferior because he is out there in the world going to school (he is taking summer courses) and working five days a week. And, seeing him juggle the school and work thing while I am at home with Marci 24/7 made me realize that he prioritizes school and work over some of his family duties. Don't get me wrong--I really really appreciate how hard he works for us and I'm so proud of him that he cares so much about his grades, but it really seems like he doesn't appreciate what I do all day. Hey, he has an end time to his classes and he gets off work at a certain time. I don't have a time when I'm "off" from Marci unless he pitches in, which he never really does unless I ask him too. I just feel so incredibly overwhelmed. Even more so since I'm pregnant. I need help keeping up the house. I need help with our daughter. I need him to say "hey..you look tired. How about if I take Marci to the park while you rest" or something along those lines. But he doesn't. Everything seems to be about what HE needs. I feel on the verge of collapsing EVERY day, and I don't feel supported. He acts like when I complain about some of my pain or exhaustion that I am whining and he doesn't seem to take me seriously. I am SO incredibly frustrated with this. I don't know how to get him to hear me. I don't know how to get him to understand that I can't do all of this alone and how much it angers me when he doesn't help. I can't remember the last time he did everything I asked him to do in a day (which is never much. Nothing I ever ask him to do will take more than 30 minutes). I'm crying in my computer chair thinking about all this right now. Because I feel stuck. Because I don't see an answer. I would LOVE to go to marriage counseling--not because I feel like our marriage is on the edge or that things are THAT bad or anything, but I don't think we understand eachother. I don't think we communicate in a way that we actually hear what the other is saying. I just think it would be SO benefical to our relationship to go. Too bad I can't get him to agree to it. Maybe that will be my agreement for me taking off school after this semester. Maybe I'll say "Ok..I'll do that if you go to counseling with me." I feel trapped. At a dead end. There is no talking to him about this. Every time I try, he gets really defensive and it almost ALWAYS ends up in a big fight and nothing ever gets accomplished. And, I'm scared to fight with him. I'm scared because every time we fight, he threatens to leave and that causes SO much pain. Thats why we rarely ever have arguments and I give in so easily is because I'm scared to death that he'll actually do it. Even the mention of it brings me so much hurt.
But, enough of this. I'm going to go try and chug some coffee so I can make this house look somewhat decent.