I feel so stuck. I always feel stuck, but there are only certain times I acknowledge it.

This isn't want I wanted my life to become. It really isn't. And it has nothing to do with the girls. I don't feel stuck by my kids, I feel stuck by my husband.

The bottom line is I am not happy in this marriage and haven't been for a little it. I think I only pretend to be happy or try to distract myself from the fact that I'm not happy is because I love Jamie so much. I want SO despretly to be happy with him. But I'm not. And I don't see any way of me getting happy because I don't know how to fix whats going on. I don't even know how to talk to him about it. Everytime I try to bring up issues, he completly shuts down and gets defensive, so I don't even know how to try anymore.

Jamie came home from school today and told me how he spent his break between classes "mapping out the future" with him going to grad school in either Pittsburgh or MIT. He was talking to me about how he could get his masters done in a year if he really works hard and takes a lot of hours. The whole time he was talking, I kept thinking "where does that leave me?" How am I going to go ahead with my plans for the future (whatever they may be) if he is constantly in school and working? How will that leave time for my career and my school? Where will I go to school in PA or MA? And I asked him that and he said "Well, you don't even know what you want to do yet."

And its true. I don't. I don't even know if I want to continue with school. I am taking time off of school after this semester, but, with this new plan of his, it doesn't leave me time to go back if I want to for what seems like years and years. And I don't want to wait that long.

And it makes sense. It really does, what he's saying. It makes sense for him to do his masters so he can make more money right out of school and it makes sense for him to bust his ass and get it done in a year so we can be making real money a lot sooner. Everything he says makes sense. And everything I want doesn't make sense. But the thing is, I can see him always coming up with different sensible reasons for why I can't go back to school. Each step of the way, he will find another logical reason for why I should put my life on hold and let him get on with his. Right now, he may say "well, when I'm done with my masters, you can go back to school", but then, after that, I could see him saying "well, after I get established in THIS job, you can go back to school" ect ect ect. There will always be a good reason. A logical one to convince me.

Its not even just about school, either. It's about the whole principle that he is not supportive of me at ALL. He doesn't believe in me. He doesn't have confidence in me. He doesn't even have enough confidence in me to help me get my liscense. He is completly unsupportive of it. The last time he took me driving (over a month ago! I've had my permit for over a month and have only been driving once), he told me "I don't think you're meant to drive." And then, when I brought up him not being supportive about me driving, he was like "Well, its really dangerous and you have to be pretty much PERFECT at it." Like "I don't think you could be perfect at it."

Even to the smallest detail as thinking he has to TELL me to stay close to Marci while she was around the bonfire at Nicole's going away bbq on Sunday. He does that stuff all the time. "Make sure you put the scissors away when you're done using them so Marci doesn't get them." What the fuck? I'm her fucking mother and I take care of her way more than you do, so I think I know what I'm doing.

I just really feel like he's pulling me down. I'm meant for more than this. And it seems like there is no hope in sight. When I look to the future, I don't feel happiness from it. Except for the girls, I don't see anything to look forward to. When I suggested even opening up my own business, the first thing he said was "Businesses are risky. They aren't always a good investment." Nothing. I get nothing from him. I almost feel like he's doing this on purpose. He wants to make me completly dependent on him. He doesn't want me to have my own life or my own career. I really really believe this to be so, and I'm not the only person to see it. When it comes to the liscense thing, I've had more than one person say they think he doesn't want me to get it. I've had friends and family tell me that they think Jamie treats me like he is the dad and I am the teenage daughter.

I think he's almost completly killed my confidence. I used to believe I could do anything. I NEVER thought I'd be where I am today. With absolutly no plan and being a stay-at-home mom in the future. I'm not a stay-at-home mom kind of girl.I'm really really not. I have so much more inside me. I am not a flower that belongs in a pot. And you can stretch out and be wild (in a good way) and be free when you have a family. Look at my sister! She is doing EXACTLY what she is meant to do. She is a Christian singer, and author, and a mentor. She touches SO many lives AND brings in money for her family AND takes care of the house.

I am NOT a 50's housewife. I cannot be content being strung up and tied down. I can't be the woman who gets her husband his pipe and slippers when he walks in the door and then rushes off to make dinner. Don't get me wrong--I absolutly love being a mom, and I am completly cool with not being the main breadwinner in the family. I want to only work part time. But the thing is, I feel like if I don't make more money than Jamie, then he won't respect me. I hate that I have to prove myself to my own husband to get respect.

The way he is with money makes me absolutly livid. I would NEVER spend as much money as he does without consulting him first and whenever I have, I have felt so incredible guilty. He makes me feel like such shit when it comes to money, but he can go out and spend as much as he wants on whatever he wants without even asking me. I understand things are tight. I understand that we don't have a whole lot of finances. But, come on..practice what you preach. Don't lecture me about spending money buying my neice a birthday present and then go online and spend 30$ on organic shampoo without even telling me. And every purchase he makes, he has a good excuse for. Every single one. So, that makes me always question myself.

GOD! I am just SO sick of this! I despretly want to go to marriage counsiling but he won't agree to it. We NEED it.

I feel so overwhelmed. So incredibly hopeless and worthless. I love my husband. I really really love my husband. If I didn't love him this much, I don't know if I'd still be here.

Well, we're supposed to leave for dinner at my dad's in 30 so I better go.

P.S.-please pray for my Dad. He went to have an Xray and an MRI today b/c he was coughing up blood