I don't even know why I think it was so great. I loafed around until 5:30 in my pjs doing nothing but going back and forth from the tv to the computer. God gave me a great Mothers Day present though; both girls napped at the same time this afternoon so I was able to take a MUCH needed nap with them! I was SO exhausted all day and was just dragging my body around, so I was majorly syked when that happened.

Maybe I think it was such a great day because of my Jamie. This boy makes me happier then anyone. He worked until 5:30ish and didn't call me on his way home. Then, he snuck inside while I was putting my makeup on and he had roses and a bottle of Pama, this new pomegranite liqueor I've wanted for a long time! It was really sweet because I wasn't expecting anything.

Then, the rest of the day, he was just very doting and affectionate and I couldn't get enough of him. We got a good two hours alone together as well because the girls went to bed early (which was also a gift I wasn't expecting because Marci napped today).

This boy. Sigh. He makes my knees weak.

Its so funny because I have been thinking and I really feel like I overreact to a lot lately and I need to recognize the good more than the bad. Last night I went to bed really upset because Jamie and I got in a tiff over him eating a clove of raw garlic. I was mad because I wanted to like...you know...fool around and you can't do that when someone smells so strongly of garlic! He was absolutely pungent!

So I was sulking as I tried to sleep thinking "Why does he do this to me?" and shit like that and when I woke up in the morning, I laid in bed for a good ten minutes, still very upset and feeling unloved and unwanted and just soaking in this self pity when I realized "Ok...am I seriously getting like this over a clove of garlic?" Jamie has been a gem for the past five days so why am I only focusing on one petty little instance? Do I really expect him to be perfect all the time and I'm going to get all hung up over little things like this all the time? NO wonder I wasn't happy! I've been doing this for months! And poor Jamie. How exhausting to live with someone who is so affected by such trivial matters. Excuse the cliche, but I'm going to stop sweating the small stuff.
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I meant to write about this yesterday (well two days ago actually! Its 12:34 am!) but the 12th was the 2nd anniversary of my brother's suicide.

What makes things worse is it completly COMPLETLY slipped my mind. I only remembered after recieving an email from my sister Tia.

I still don't know how I feel about it. Sometimes I feel like I am forcing myself to be sad. Maybe I'm numb. I don't know. All I know is when I think about it, I feel empty. When I think about my mom, it feels like someone is pouring cement down my throat and its hardening in my gut and in my chest, pushing tears to the surface. But Greg...Greg feels white to me. Blank.

Its not that I didn't love my brother. I loved my brother with every fiber of my being. He was an amazing brother and he always took such good care of me. He was the first one to carry me through the doorway of my house. All 4lbs 8oz of me wrapped in a pink blanket. He took me on my first trip to New York. He made me ride my first rollercoaster at Cedar Point. He paid for half of my honeymoon.

Maybe its because his last year of life was very bumpy. It was full of fights, drunken phone calls, threats of suicide, and it was the first time in my whole life that I went more than a month without seeing him. I hadn't seen him since June of the previous year. Marci was three weeks old. Thats the only time he ever saw her. His last year of life felt like he was already gone. Each drink, each pill, each day eroded more and more of the Greg I knew.

Now I am feeling guilty as I think back on that year. I wasn't there for him like I should have been. I should have given him his money back after my wedding. The money that caused our first fight ever and resulted in him not speaking to me for a good 3-4 months. But he was so different then. He was so irrational and on edge. It was so difficult to reason with him or even talk to him. I wish I didn't have so many regrets with people that are gone now.

His wife tells me how he always told her that after he's gone, he wants her to make sure I am happy and never in want for anything. He wanted to make sure I was always taken care of. I was his kid sister to the end.

Now I don't feel white anymore.