This is day 4 of me not wanting to kill myself.
And day two of me actually feeling happy with life again.
All I can hope is that I am not being naive. All I can hope is that this is the way things are patching up, and I'm not just becoming voluntarily blind.
I've started really putting thought into what I want to do with my future and what I want to do with my present. Jamie said something that has stuck:"What is there to support? You don't paint. You don't write. You don't do anything you used to do." Its true. I have changed from the confident creative girl he fell in love with. I am trying everything to turn into that girl again. Not just for him. Not just for us. But for me. I have started painting again and I have really been looking into the options for each of my ideas for my future. I am almost 25 and I still have no plan for my life. "What do I want to be when I grow up" is now. This is it. I'm a grown up. And yes, I am a mother and a wife and thats great, but I need something for ME too. I can't just be someone contributing to other people making lives. I need to also make my own.
My #1 choice is to be a children's writer who illustrates my own books. I've started looking into getting an agent and actually how you go about DOING that. However, with two kids, I find it hard to think enough to be creative! So step number one is to figure out a way to channel my creative side again and work. When I have free time, instead of coming on the computer or watching tv, I am going to start writing.
ANYWAY...
Easter was...uneventful for us. Which I hate because growing up, it was always such a big deal. As it should be, considering what the day actually means. But this year, I didn't even get dressed until 6pm (yes, we missed church. Bad Catholic! ::smacks hand::), and we went over to Jamie's Brother's house for some yummy vegan dinner. I think next year, I am going to put more thought into it. Its hard bc everyone is gone. Jamie works doubles at the Olive Garden on Easter, my sisters are at work or at their in laws, and yet again my Dad does whatever the FUCK he wants anyway, which never includes me. So, we don't do anything. BUT that will change next year, even if I have to do it myself. I want the girls to alway slook back on Easter with warm memories. Not staying in their PJs till evening while Mommy watches movies on TBS.
In other news, my Jamie Love got a job at the Federal Reserve bank in Cleveland! WHich is a big deal bank, he tells me. SO we've been scoping out some cute little houses and apartments and the chance of a move to a city with some LIFE in it is getting me excited! However, the chance of leaving my family for the first time in my life pits in my stomach, but its not like I was planning on staying in little old Warren Ohio forever.
Well, anyway, I'm still here. Not even barely. But a lot.