Sometimes it really sucks being me.
I'm not talking about emotionally or anything like that. I'm not in a self-loathing state. I know I have it pretty good. I have a wonderful boyfriend (fiance), wonderful friends, a wonderful family, and I pretty much all around like myself.
I'm talking about physically.
And not about how I look. Cause I look pretty good sometimes. I have a pretty nice body (aside from the hip region), and sometimes my hair obeys me.
It's just that, I am sick ALL the time. I can't remember the last time I felt ok for the whole day. A while ago, it was just the occasional stomach ache or headache. Now those are daily things. Since December, I've been battling and unknown force and it's wearing me down. I just woke up from another barely sleeping night and everything is finally taking a toll on me.
It's just always something. Whether it's me getting sick after I eat, getting dizzy, (I have a cold now), getting spliting headaches, or just being uncomfortable everywhere...it's at least one of these things a day. I just have no energy. I just want to sleep all the time. It's starting to get me depressed. I just don't understand why I have to feel like this and why there seems to be nothing that can be done. It's taking a toll on Jamie too. He said it makes him unhappy because he can see I'm unhappy.
Maybe I am in a depression. These can be signs of depression or anxiety. But I'm not sad. I don't loathe my life. I just loathe that I am sick all the time. But Jamie says you don't have to be sad to be depressed, and when I think about it, this stuff all started when my mom died.
I'm going to the doctor (by force) on Friday. I really don't want to go because 1. I don't think they can help me. and 2. I do NOT want to have tests done or get blood taken. But Jamie and my dad are making me go. I think maybe a pyschatrist (spelling?) would be more worth it. But hey...what do I know...it's only my body and everything.
*******************************
Alright. It's over. You can come back now.
So yesterday was Jamie's birthday. He's the big 2 0 now. I brought him breakfast in the morning and I have to give myself props for that. That was INCREDIBLY cute of me.
I've been thinking a lot about stuff lately and I realized that I don't have much stuff to think about. My life has pretty much leveled out. I don't have any major conflicts (well, except financially), or anything deep running through me lately at all. Perhaps thats why I haven't been inclined to write as much as I used to. Well, I need to figure out if my thoughts have any worth so here it goes.
~*~*~What I think about~*~*~
* I think about how I've been having a lot more fun at home (and visiting people) then I ever have before.
*I think about how great it is to have Carla around now.
*I think about what is Juliann doing in Spain.
*I think about money and differant ways to get it (i.e. job i.e. borrow i.e. rob bank i.e. sell body)
*I think about how much I miss my mom, more then I thought I ever could, and how I'll never have anyone to hold me like she used to.
*I think about how school is really easy and I don't understand why we never have anything to do for it.
*I think about how great its gonna be living with Jamie next year
*I think about how fun it will be to shop for stuff for my new apartment
*I think about going to New York and whether it's as important to me or not
*I think about how sure I am of what I want to be when I grow up
*I think about how much I need to clean my room
*I think about how much I want to spend my life with Ja Mi Mi and have a family
*I think about how much I love baby Jake and I hope my kids are as cute as he is
*I think about my North Carolina guys and how much I want to see them
*I think about what I would write in a letter to Patrick
*I think about how much I do NOT want to go to the gyno on Feb 20th.
*I think about how I need to do the laundry
*I think about how I need new jeans even though I just bought some.
*I think about whether I like my hair now or should I cut it
*Now I have to think about taking a shower.