I just do.

I can't put a pin on this twisted emotional map of mine and discover my problem. My problems are everywhere.

Damn doctors.

I'm really scared I can't have kids.

This sounds really silly to a lot of you, but I can't describe why I'm so scared.

I REALLY really want kids. I know people say "well, if you can't HAVE kids then you can adopt!" Yeah but it's not the same. I want to be pregnant SOOOOOOOO badly some day. To have a tummy and have Jamie talk to it and kiss it and have him take care of me with prenatal vitamins and whatnot. I've always been so excited to be pregnant some day and now, just the thought that I might not be able to have that gift, devastates me. I would be destroyed if that happened. I guess all I can do is pray.

I've been calling my sisters to talk to them about this. I could only get ahold of Maria though and for a split second I thought "Well, I'll call mom and let her know." And I really really wish she was here right now. I want to just cry in her arms and have her rub me and tell me it's ok. And stroke my hair. She was always so good at that.

I miss Patrick today. Not Patrick the person....but what he represented. I went to my old journal and read last years entry of today and it was a year ago yesterday that he came down here for the first time. He represented such a good and happy life for me. Not that this life isn't happy, but its alot more complicated. Everything was so black and white and simple last year. There was no gray. My mom wasn't dead, I had all my friends around me, I was going to live out my dream, I was going on this awesome vacation to the beach, and I was just so happy. I cried because I missed that. Reading the Patrick entries just reminds me of all I had last year. Despite all the sadness this year and things not going my way, Jamie brings color to all the gray and he's worth all of this. He doesn't "represent" anything like Patrick does....he *is* everything. I love having an everything.