I call it my "old" life because my life now is so different then it was back when.
Yesterday, I was talking to Ashley Parker about how hardly anything turns out the way you think it will. Not nessecarily a good or a bad thing, just a factual thing.
For instance, yesterday I was planning on doing my spring cleaning but the toilet clogged and for hours I battled the porcalene menace until I reigned supreme as rookie plumber. Also, at Jamie's bowling tournament, I wanted some twizzlers from the vending machine. Simple enough. But instead, it took my only dollar and I watched the twizzlers dangle there, mocking me. I shook the machine but it still didn't work. (It was one of those days).
And the two biggest things that I didn't think would turn out the way they did was NY/my mom, and my July wedding/the baby. Now, the whole NY thing is ok cause then I wouldn't have met Jamie but it was bad because of my mom. But without this baby, me and Jamie wouldn't have this adorable apartment, or be married right now, or have bought a new car (2002 malibu baby). And especially, we wouldn't be expecting a beautiful little girl as soon as we are. So I don't see any negativity in that scenerio.
But, what I'm wondering, is how much this has changed me and how much do I want it to. Maybe thats why I think back to highschool so much. Because in the halls of JFK, I feel like there's a ghost of my former self. And lately, I'm wondering if that was a ghost at all...or just another skin I needed to shed.
Nicole once wrote about me that I had "Elton John sunshine." Am I still that girl, Nicole? Am I still that girl, ANYONE? I guess I'm just worried that I'm losing myself. I'm worried that this baby will make me less of myself. But, who knows. Maybe it will make me MORE of myself. It also doesn't help that everything that I used to use to define myself when people walked in my room is still there. My RENT poster, most of my Marilyn stuff, my stolen road signs ect...It's amazing how much you find that you're stuff is so juvenile once you move in with someone else.
I think I just need some Katie time to myself. Some time to just sit, and write, or paint, or something. Something to get a better grip on myself.
Back to cleaning.