I dreamt about my mom last night.
I dream about her a lot...no biggie. But this one really got me thinking.
Till this day, I can't think about my mother's illness without such a deep feeling of guilt and regret that it feels like someone is chewing on my heart.
Just a side note.
Anyway...
So, in my dream, my mom still died, but she came back to life. But she was still sick and going to die again. So we were going to have this big "Welcome Back" party, and were planning a real big shindig. Tia called me 4 days before and said "Katie...I think you need to get to Dad's. I don't think Mom is going to make it to the party."
I remember balling on my bed in my apartment.
So I go to my Dad's and my mom is laying on the front porch swing. I remember just collapsing on her in a fit of tears. All I could say was "Mom I love you so much. I love you and I'm so sorry for how I acted before." And she just laughed and said "It's ok, kitten! It's ok!" And yet, I kept trying to convince her that it's NOT ok...not to me....and just how incredibly sorry I was. But all she could say was "It's ok."
It's ok.
Maybe it IS ok.
Now.
Maybe I should stop beating myself up and let myself look back on my mom without these guilty demons sneaking up on me.
Maybe I should let it go.
I ache for my mom more then I ever ached for anything in my life. I ache to hold her. I ache to kiss her. I ache to have her hold and kiss me. I ache ache ACHE to tell her I love her and that I'm sorry. My skin feels like its boiling when I think about it.
Death really blows.
It really blows that these aches will never be satisfied.
It really blows that she's never coming back.
I just hope she knows how much I miss her.