Baby is REALLY putting a dent on my social life!
No no I'm just kidding. I get out when I can.
But, it is getting exhausting. She's not too keen on being out of my arms, so when I don't have any extra arms here, I'm sort of stranded. But I'm learning. Weening her out of the habit of constantly being held. But to be honest, it makes me feel really good to know that the place she wants to be most in the world is in my arms. And you should see how she hugs me. Rests her baby cheeks on my chest, and all I can see from my view is two deep baby eyes, looking so reliefed to be picked up. Then her starfish fingers grip onto my shirt, or my hair, or anything they can grab, because she needs so much to hold on. To hold onto ME...her shelter...her safety...her comfort...her mom. When I'm frustrated, all I need to do is think those thoughts and the frustration and anger and exhaustion just melt away and all I'm left with are these maternal feelings to protect this little piece of Heaven God sent me, so I hold her closer and tighter.
Right now she is sleeping on my bed.
I went back to work. No biggie. It's not for good, yet. I was just helping out. But I had so much fun. First off, working with your best friends (Dave and Jasmine) is such a blessing. Jasmine cracks me up. She's so sarcastic, but in a nice way. She looks alot like Jennifer Garner. We have a deal that she has to date everyone I have a crush on since I can't. You see, I have to live my love life vicariously through her. So far so good! She's already got Matt Tienny down! I'm still really upset Tom is gone. BUT...I found out what my destiney is! I have to save Tom. Since I started my comic strip (oh yeah! I haven't updated. I'm making a comic strip called Blue Moon Cafe, based on all my restaurant expieriences and I REALLY am gonna give this my all and try to make it in the comic biz. I need to actually go for something in my life instead of just sitting back dreaming), I've thought of who I want to make characters. Now Tom is a classic character. 26 years old..plays the computer for days on end...misses work because of his hangover all the time...lives in his sister's basement...we call him the wedding singer but with a worse job. SO, if this actually takes off, then he can collect royalties and have some sort of life! HOORAY! He needs SOMETHING. He doesn't have any drive at all...and I love him to death so I can't let him be a bum all his life. But anyway, yeah work went really well. I forgot how much I love and hate that place. There is just so much drama, and since I've been away, people think that I'm the best person to talk to. But I'm not! It makes me uncomfortable when everyone is just bitching to me about eachother all the time. But it also makes me feel beautiful again. It gives me a reason to wear makeup.
Other then all that, I don't have much to say. I'm sort of going through a harsh post-partum depression. It's on and off, actually. But when it's on, it's strong. It's by far the most depressed I've ever been. Sometimes I feel comatose. I just stare at nothing and I can hear Jamie talking to me but I can't get myself to answer. I get lost in my head and my sadness. Utter sadness.
But I'm having a good day today and I don't want to talk about that. I'll talk about that with my counsler that I'm going to see.
I just killed a bug on the computer screen.
Not too sure if the bug deserved to die. But hell, its over and done with.
Well, thats about it.
However, lately I've been depressed that Juliann didn't even say goodbye to me. I really don't know what that is. But I don't want to be sad right now....so also, like the bug....over and done with.