This has been a morning of facing my demons. All alone in my room with green walls, I am coming to terms with what I have done and what I am doing and how incredibly destructive I am. How incredibly undeserving of such a wonderful, sweet, kind-hearted man I am.
I despretly want to be a good person. I want to wake up and not be haunted. But, I can't. I wake up to the same internal nightmare that plagues me every day. Most days, I am very skilled at shoving it into the back corners of mind and only checking on it briefly to make sure it stays put. But today, it refuses to sit there silently. It wants to be heard and noticed. It wants attention. But what good is my attention to it? It just provokes more self-loathing and fear of losing Jamie. No. There is nothing I can do about it.
I wish I could write about it here. But that is too dangerous. I feel like a felon. In a sense, I am one.
I have recently gotten back in touch with a diary that I was so attatched to a while ago. I spent a good chuck of time today reading about her new life and feeling a mix of emotions. I am incredibly happy about how her life is turning out (so far! I am only on June 3rd, 2005!) and her new love seems so crisp and clear and true. But then, I feel sad. I feel sad that I am not more like her. I want to be a more devout Catholic and a mom whose idea of free time isn't parking her daughter in front of the tv for 40 minutes. I have good morals, but I don't follow them as she does. I want to be able not to succumb to the perfume of temptation as much as I am. She is so strong and I am so weak.
Ok. Enough of this. All this dwelling on my imperfections isn't going to make this day go any better. Maybe I can distract myself with a survey.
***
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Kate/Katie
2. Mommy
3. Kate Heart
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. KHerra78 (My first. When I thought that Greek mythology made you cool)
2. LuvDaFonz (Lets not even talk about it)
3. HeyYourMom (Ha ha this one was great.)
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I am really creative and deep (mostly).
2. I try despretly to see the beauty in everything and everyone. Sometimes it leaves me disappointed, but life is better this way.
3. I'm confident
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I am WAY too driven by whether or not people find me attractive
2. I am too flaky with plans. A lot of times if I want to cancel, I'll ignore calls instead b/c I don't want to hear their disappointment.
3. I am very selfish.
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Italian
2. Russian
3. Catholic (Don't know if that counts)
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Something happening to Marci
2. Getting in a terrible accident or terrifying situation (raped, attacked,murdered,ect)
3. Jamie hating me.
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. My ipod shuffle
2. My thought journal
3. Concealer
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Headphones
2. PJ pants with wine glasses on them
3. My Austraila tshirt
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Something Corporate
2. Shakira
3. RENT
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (AT THE MOMENT):
1. Sia "Breathe Me"
2. Something Corporate "Me and the Moon
3. Kelly Clarkson "Because of You" (yeah I KNOW, ok?)
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. MOVE OUT MOVE OUT MOVE OUT
2. Get our financial issues in order
3. Make a bigger dent in my school time
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Romance
2. Affection
3. Understanding
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I went from a size 34 B to a size 34 D when I was pregnant
2. I saw a guy riding down route 422 on a horse yesterday. He was wearing a red cowboy hat.
3. I had sex on the top of my highschool
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE SEX(ES) YOU DATE THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. His smell
2. His lips
3. His eyes
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Motivate myself to a.) clean and b.) get dressed and ready to go shopping
2. Give up my once-in-a-while social life. I'm a really social person and if I don't get out occasionaly, I go stir crazy.
3. Go in a store when I'm wearing something from that store.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Going to the drag show
2. writing in my diary
3. writing in my thoughtjournal
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Eat either Japanese or seafood...or eat period
2. Get my hair done
3. Talk to Jamie
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Children's book writer
2. Fashion buyer
3. Highschool English teacher
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. AUSTRAILA
2. South Africa
3. Back to Europe
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Go to Austrailia
2. Get published
3. Make something of myself that is worth more than I am now
THREE WAYS IN WHICH I�M STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I have to have at least SOME makeup on before leaving the house
2. My clothes have to be form fitting
3. I am very flirty
THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Orlando Bloom
2. James Franco
3. Angelina Jolie
THREE PEOPLE THAT HAVE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY:
1. Jessica
2. Theresa
3. Pete