WHY is there no margerita mix left?? What kind of establishment is then anyway????

Wow. Thats all I have to say. Wow. The last couple days have been a hurricane. The storm is finally calming, but there were times I didn't think I was going to make it out alive.

Jamie found my password.

He read my last couple entries.

He saw the words "Jamie isn't even the love of my life." He SAW that. It breaks my heart that he saw that.

He saw the entry about Frank. He saw that too. Another betrayal from his decietful wife. The villian.

He wrote me an email and the three little words he wrote,that even thinking about them now, rot my stomach. file for divorce Oooo it gives me goosebumps.

But I didn't see that email until things started settling down. He picked me up work Friday night and told me he packed all my stuff. He was very intent on leaving. I've never seen him so serious about it. At first I begged and pleaded and screamed and cried hysterically. Hysterically. But he didn't budge. Not even an inch. He didn't even cry. He just sat there, so cold. So very very cold. (Marci was at my sister's)

And then it clicked.

It is selfish of me to want him back when he seems like he would be happier gone. He says he can't trust me. He told me how much my words and my actions dug into his heart with spindling pins. How can I want him to live in that kind of relationship just because I would be happier? So here is what I said after I calmed down:

"Ok Jamie. I don't want you to be with me just because I begged and pleaded with you. And I don't want you to be with me just because of Marci either. I want you to be with me because YOU want to. And, if you really think that you will be better for you to get out of this, then I will let you go. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. I don't."

And something sparked with him. I don't even remember what he said. Next thing I know, he is holding my hand, and we spent the night at my Dad's while he was out of town.

Things with us now are pretty back to normal. Well, for the most part. I know we need work. I really do. He doesn't want to go to counseling...but he does want to work stuff out. I am determined to make us back to perfect. I am determined to convince him that I didn't mean those things in my diary. They were out of frustration and depression. I realized that on Thursday after I talked to Patrick.

Yes, I still love Patrick. I will always love Patrick. We loved eachother with such passion, and thats hard to get over. But, I don't want him back. I never had him like I have Jamie. We only saw eachother a handful of times...it wasn't real like Jamie and I. If Patrick really was the "love of my life", like I said in here, then why wouldn't I use Friday night as an escape to be with him. Jamie even told me to be with him. To buy a ticket to Florida and see him. I used to fantasize about it, but not anymore. I want what I have. I really really do.

Every night and morning since then, I pray before I go to sleep and wakeup and I thank God that I am waking up and sleeping next to this man. That he is still with me, despite everything.

I think if we can get through this, we can get through anything. I want to change. I want to deserve him. I want to be his goddess...not his villian. Not anymore.

He really is my treasure.