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I'm depressed. I think its mostly PMS, but I just feel so frustrated with my life.
It feels like its going nowhere.
Today is a day that I would love to just lay on the couch in my apartment and let Marci play and run around and cause mischief while I rest and be a bum. Not to be disturbed by anyone else except my little princess--and I like being disturbed by her.
That sounds like my perfect day.
But no. I don't live in my perfect apartment anymore. I live in a room about the size of your bedroom probably...it's painted lime green and it is littered with toys and clothes and all the rest of our life that we can fit up here. And I will be disturbed. I will be disturbed by little knocks from my mother-in-law, and then from Marci whining b/c she gets bored in here so fast.
That really depresses me.
It depresses me that I live here and Jamie and I don't have the means to move out. I feel like living here is killing me. It's hell.
It depresses me that it has taken me 4 years to complete 2 credit years of college. And I have no idea when I'll be done. I want to just get out and get a real job, but that seems so far away.
It depresses me that Jamie and I have absolutly no money whatsoever and no hope of ever getting enough money.
It depresses me that I am so lazy and unmotivated and it feels like I will never be able to get anything done. It doesn't feel like this new medicine is working. The old medicine worked, but it made me sick and lose weight. So, I don't know what to do.
And last but not least, it depresses me that I'm not smarter and that my boss thinks I'm stupid. I know he does. I messed up a carry out yesterday, and he got really pissed. It was more of a misunderstanding than a mess up, and I rarely mess up carry outs. But I got so upset about it. It totally killed my good mood and I felt so down about it. I really try to be a good hostess and server. I really do. But I feel like he doesn't see that. He only sees my mistakes and he thinks I'm dumb. I wanted to go home.
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And then there is my guilt.
I feel bad for always leaving and never being home.
I feel bad for talking bad about Sharon and not spending time with her, even though its hard for me to spend time with her.
I feel bad about Moses and the house.I feel bad that we can't give him enough attention. I feel really bad about that. And I feel bad that he's tearing up Sharon's house and I'm just sitting up here.
I feel bad that I never have any energy to play with Marci a lot and that I leave the tv on all day for her.
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I just feel so STUCK. SO stuck. And I have no idea how to get out of these situations. I don't know how to organize strategies to fix things. I get flustered very easily.
Ahh. Enough of this.