I can't let this go. This Frank/Me/Jamie thing. Jamie has forgiven me and moved on, but I can't. I can't forgive myself and I can't move on. Maybe its because I'm afraid of that part of myself coming out again because thats what my past clues to. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to be a cheater. I've always been a cheater. I don't want to live with this guilt for the rest of my life. I don't want Jamie to hold me in bed and tell me he loves me just to have tears running down my face burning my skin. Dirty tears.
I don't even feel like a person. I feel like a walking disappointment. Not even to just Jamie. But to the people I know that saw it coming, because most people did. I went out with some friends the other night and Joseph says laughing "You're 40% married and 60% single". They can't get past what I did either and they are just waiting for me to do it again. Joseph knew everything as it happened since he is friends with Frank. He thinks its funny, but I don't. I don't want people thinking my marriage is a joke.
I feel like nobody has respect for me. Not that I blame them. I don't have respect for myself. I want to know how to change. I don't want people to sit and watch and wait for me to slip up again, because they think its just a matter of time. I'm a natural flirt--they think I'm a tease. But I'm not trying to give anyone assumptions. I just want to be a better person. A good person.
This guy at work, Steve, started with me on Thursday. He was just joking, but it still really hurt. He said "I talked to Frankie and I know you cheated on your husband" he chuckled. For the rest of the night he kept calling me names and telling me he doesn't like me for it. Then, yesterday, he grabs my paper from my apron and writes "You are a bad person" in purple marker. I tried to laugh to make him think I was playing along, but I cried instead when he walked away. I sat with my friend Theresa and she said "You know he's just joking." And I told her it didn't feel like a joke. It felt like he was writing the words I've been avoiding since I was 17. Since the first time I ever laid my lips on someone who wasn't my boyfriend and the continueous string of boys that followed in all of my relationships. There has only been one boyfriend I haven't cheated on. His name was Jason and we only dated for 10 days. I didn't even like him that much, I just didn't have time to cheat on him.
I wish I had someone to talk to here. I try to talk to Jasmine but she just sits silently on the other end of the phone, almost afraid to say what she really thinks. I haven't heard from Rose in a couple days and I don't want to badger her. I don't know John's number since my cell phone got stolen. Maggie is busy with school, and Dave never listens. Those are all of my best friends. I thought about writing an email to Sarah b/c I always feel so open to her and that she really cares about what I have to say and she has great advice. But I don't want to bother her, either.
Guess I will just stew here in my own juices.