All I want to say to this person is you do not know me and you do not know my marriage. All you know is what I write in this template every couple days. Thats not everything. You don't see the tenderness between Jamie and I. You don't see how we are. So how can you say we will never get that kind of love back? What gives you that right to determine the fate of my marriage? Jamie DOES love me unconditionally, or else he wouldn't be here right now. I do not try to run away when he comes at me with these feelings. The majority of the time, I beg him to stay, and I DO ask him what I can do to make him forgive me and trust me again--but after 3 fights over this, how can I beg him to stay if it wouldn't make him happy? I want to sacrifice my happiness for his. I live with the guilt of what I did EVERY day and it is not like I forgot all about it and I expect Jamie to also forget all about it. And I certainly don't need you reminding me of my sins.
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There! Now that I got THAT off my chest, we can move on.
Jamie and I have been doing fabulous lately. We have these talks about our relationship and I really feel like he's given us another chance. He told me Tuesday that he was much happier. And I am much happier trying to make him much happier.
Tonight is the night of our DIY marriage therapy. We are leaving the Ba at my sisters and going up to Geneva over night to wine and dine. I'm so excited for it, except for today I'm feeling really flu-y. But I won't let that stop me! I'm going no matter what! Especially since we already paid them...
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So here's something...
Yesterday, I decided to take a pregnancy test. To be honest, I don't know what made me take it because I wasn't even late yet. I was DUE for my period yesterday. But something told me to take one...especially since I already had all the different wine that I wanted to drink picked out for tonight and my friends wanted me to go to the bars. Better safe than sorry, eh?
So I shuttle off Jamie to the store, and he comes back with Accuclear pregnancy test. All three of us truck into the bathroom and I pee on the stick. As the liquid absorbs into the test, only the second line appears. Negative. Sighs of both disappointment and relief leave my body and I go back to watching American Idol.
Three to five minutes later, Jamie goes into the bathroom and I hear
"Uh Katie...I think you might want to come look at this."
VERY irritated that I am being called away from American Idol, I go in and I see it..
TWO LINES
Jamie is OVERJOYED. I force a smile but all I can get out of my mouth is "are you serious?" "Seriously?". I'm stunned. STUNNED. And not in a good way either. I felt like I was watching somebody else's life. And then I was watching the life I just had 10 minutes ago slipping away and I started to cry.
I was crying for shallow reasons. Now I can't go to Pittsburgh, Now I can't get a tattoo,Now I can't wear my clothes,Now I can't go out with my friends. All things that have no real depth to life.
But thats how I felt. I was utterly devastated at first. All I could do was cry and think about what I'm going to miss and how much different my life is going to be.
When I told people in that state, all I could say is "I'm pregnant." with a sad underline. My best friend Rose reassured me that this is a good thing and how exciting it is. And although I felt her good intentions, they did little to lighten my mood.
It wasn't for another hour and a half or so, did I actually grasp some happiness. Jamie was the one who gave it to me. Seeing HIM so happy about it, made ME feel happy. What kind of backwards world is this that the man is elated and the woman depressed?
I started telling people differently. Instead of saying "I'm pregnant", I'd say "Marci is going to have a brother and sister" and all of a sudden, I was excited too!
And I still am! Sure, I'm still anxious. Worried if it will be healthy and whatnot, but for the most part, I'm very excited.
So there ya have it: Marci is going to have a brother or sister.