I am so consumed with guilt at all times of the day, that its hard to breathe. I'm sufficated with it. Its in every pore of my skin.

My poor Marci. She's so obviously bored and I'm so obviously falling short of what she needs. I can tell in her actions and her words that she's feeling rejected.

Jamie left me with both girls today while he went to his brother's to watch the OSU game. I wouldn't let him watch it here b/c I am DVRing my shows and I wanted to watch Super Nanny. So, before my show started, I gave Marci a bath and played with her so I wouldn't feel bad when I wanted to watch tv for an hour. Plus, I used up all Scarlett's good sitting time while Marci was in the bathtub, so she needed held. She has an ear infection, so she's still pretty sick. You should hear her breathe! It sounds all crunchy. Definetly not fun.

Anyway, Marci was being very loud and in my face while I was watching my show. Usually, I wouldn't care, but the baby was sleeping on me and really restless, so I kept telling her to be quiet. When she gets bored, she gets destructive. Throwing things, dumping things, ect ect. Everything she came to me with I told her no to. Everything she did I told her to stop it. And then, she plops herself on the floor and starts crying. Not a normal cry. It was her sad, hurt cry. A sob. It absolutly broke my heart. But, instead of nurturing her, I took out all my guilt and frustration on her. I told her shut up, screamed at her, and then, when she wouldn't get up on the couch, I grabbed her by the arm and put her there. I've never done that before. I started crying after that. We were both crying together.

I feel like she hates me. Like she hates her life. I feel like she thinks I'm doing this on purpose. Like I don't love her anymore. When she tells me she loves me, instead of feeling warmth inside, I feel black guilt. I feel like I don't deserve her to love me. I feel like she deserves SO much better than me. SO much better. I feel like everyone else can give her what she wants and needs more than I can. Like she'd rather be with them than me. And then, with Scarlett, it pains me again because I think "this is what you have to look forward to. This waste of a mother. I'm so sorry that you have to have me as your mother."

I'm just SO overwhelmed. I have no idea how to balance my life and be happy with it. I dread every single day. I don't know how to give Marci attention, take care of Scarlett, keep the house clean, and have a little sliver of time for myself. I really have NO idea how to do all this stuff. My house is such a disastor. It hasn't been this bad for a long time. I clean it up and it gets a complete wreck again within a couple hours. I'm so frustrated with it. I don't know how to keep it up anymore.

No matter what I do, no matter how much time I do actually spend with Marci, I never feel better. I never feel like I give her enough.

I really feel like I'm at my breaking point.