I can't sleep.

I'm not too sure why. I spent a good hour studing for Music and I thought I felt kinda spent but I was wrong.

So I drank some warm milk and now I am writing and waiting for it to kick in.

I think one of the reasons I can't sleep is because my mind is very busy.

Busy thinking about my test tomorrow, busy thinking about money, busy thinking about Jamie.

We had an interesting conversation tonight.

He got annoyed at me for always asking questions like "What if we break up" and stuff like that.

He says I doubt "us" too much.

I tried to explain to him that its not me doubting him or us. It's me being a woman and worrying. Thats what we women do!

I tried to explain that it is more like questioning. Taking that very small percentage of a chance that we might break up and thinking about it to prepare me just in case we do. Like people building bomb shelters for a non-existent atomic war.

I started thinking, though: Why do I worry so much about this? Why do I think about the "what if"s alot? It is to cushion me from a might-be blow, but I don't know how it does it. It just does.

I really don't doubt Jamie and my relationship at all. You'd think I would though, seeing as how the Patrick situation worked out.

I put so much trust and hope in Patrick. I believed SO firmly that it was going to come out on top. We were going to end up together. I can't even explain how sure of that I was. Like, when Brian and I would talk of marriage and living together and whatnot, sure I'd say it, but it would always feel hollow. Thats how I know when something isn't likely to happen. If when I say it, it's not there. This didn't feel hollow, so I got thrown off. And in the end, it was like I was completly annialated. (spelling?)

So now...since things are ten times better with Jamie...I can't even imagine what would happen to me if I was thrown off again. If this isn't what I think it is. I mean, whats ten times worse then annialated? I can't fathom it.

So you'd think I'd be more scared.

But I'm so naive and optimistic.

It's just that...with Jamie, I have something that I've never had with anyone else before: I believe with all my heart that he loves me and is dedicated to me. I can say it without a shadow of a doubt. That is enough for me. . And I believe with all my heart that I love and am dedicated to him. Sp with that, we can go anywhere and do anything.

So knowing that, I don't know why I ask him things like that. I guess I'm being silly. I don't really think about it all that much. It's not a big deal.

He just got very annoyed with me. :(

But its alright. We're ok. We always are.