The last couple days I've been missing my mom alot. I don't really vocalize it to anyone because they really don't know what to say. But hey, I don't blame them. I wouldn't know what to say either.
I guess its really alot harder to fathom that she isn't coming back then I thought. My first instinct is to think "oh wait till she see's the new couch" or something along those lines and then, almost immediatly, I tell myself "Well, she won't cause she's not coming back." I can't go in her closet. Sometimes I would need to to get hangers but I just can't go in. Seeing her clothes hanging there is almost like seeing her and knowing you can't touch her because you remember seeing that shirt or those pants on her body so vividly that it's mind boggling.
On Jamie's an my anniversary Weds, we went down to Boardmen and passed a street called "Eisenhower Street" next to a Talbots. I remember last year my mom, dad and I went down to Boardmen because I had an audition for a scholarship and my dad had to work a home show. After the audition, my mom and I dropped my dad off at the show on Eisenhower street and went shopping for Anna's birthday at Old Navy. Yes I know it's not the most exciting memory but not all memories are exciting. Just little things like that pop up to me once in a while.
A year ago nothing was wrong. My mom was here and I didn't see her leaving any time soon. I get jealous of that girl a year ago.
My biggest regret in my whole life is not spending more time with my mom in her last months. I can't describe the pain I feel when I think about that. I can't even talk about it right now.
I just really wish she was here. I miss talking to her and I miss her ice tea. I miss the way she smelled and the way her face felt. It was always very soft. I miss her yelling at me for stealing her socks and mentioning how I have tons of socks if I would just look for them. I miss her making salomi rolls with cream cheese inside. She'd always make me a plate of those with swiss cheese and salt. I miss how she'd never really get terribly mad at me, and when she would, it never lasted long. I miss how excited she got when I would tell her something. My dad never gets that way. Her face would just light up with this big smile and she would grab my arm and shake it and say "Really??" Even if it was just something little like me getting an A on a test or getting asked to prom. She always made me feel like my life mattered. I mattered to her. I was her kitten.
I miss having someone to call mom.
I really thought I could get through this without crying.....