I always WANT to write.

But when I sit here, in front of this screen, its like the words go "you know what? I had a late night last night..I gotta get up early tomorrow...so I think I'm just gonna take a rain check."

But I'm gonna try to force their lazy asses out!

I'm listening to Nirvana right now. I know. I never listen to Nirvana. But hey, a lot of things have changed about me, so I thought "Hey! Maybe I should listen to Nirvana." So what the hell.

Oh my gosh. Have you guys heard the Dixie Chicks song "Travelin Soldier"?? Oh...its SO sad! I listen to it, and try to sing along, but I get all choked up and can't. I hate when I can't sing along.

So these days have been...ok. I was in a slump for like, 4 days but today I'm actually in a pretty good mood. We went bridesmaid dress shopping and got a lot of wedding stuff underway. Just knowing that its started makes me feel SO much better. My sister was in town and was had a "sisters meeting" where we discussed all the aspects of the wedding.

I can't believe all this stuff is happening so soon. I am SO different then I used to be. I'm no longer the girl who gets stuck in lockers or who rides in the halls in a shopping cart. I'm gonna be a wife and a mom. Like, a grown up or something. Most of the change is good. I'm thinking more clearly and more maturely and I think my head is straightening out. But some change I really don't like. Last Tuesday, on the way home from Cleveland with Carla and Emily, Carla said "You used to sing all the time. You don't sing anymore." And I said "Yes I do!" And she said "Not like you used to." I used to sing so free. So loud and free. I didn't care who heard. I wanted people to hear. It was pure liberty. Now, I try to keep my voice down or sing under breath--embarassed for people to hear. I think it's because I've lost so much passion that I used to have. I feel so drained of passion. Laziness has truly infested my body. I find it hard to get excited about anything anymore. Not like I used to anyway. This is the first year EVER that I wasn't counting down the days till my birthday. I wish that this lazy disease would leave my body. That I could be revitalized and bright again. I wonder if that will ever happen. Maybe this baby will bring the light out of me again. I can shine for him or her. I think it will. I think I just need a path--something to do--to get me going. To kill the laziness.

Jamie thinks this change is his fault. It's really not. Not at all. He's the one that keeps my favorite Katie alive. I think losing my mom has had more effect on me then I thought it ever would. It killed something in me. It really did. It burnt out my light. I used to shine so brightly.

But, life is really not all that bad. I've been really questioning what I want to do when I get out of school. I've gone from Interior decorating, to marine biology, to teaching. I keep going back to teaching. I just think it would be really fun. Marine biology, although I love animals, is just WAY to hard. For a girl who spent her whole student career in "Basic Algebra"s and "Developmental Math"s, the whole "science" thing, isn't the way to go. Well, I'll figure it out soon enough.

Now it is time for the eating of the chickens.