Sounds weird, huh?
What I mean, is I'm miles away from who I used to be and my old world.
But this time, I'm not blaming it on my friends or anything.
It's my fault.
I don't know what it is.
I'm just finding it harder and harder to be normal.
Maybe because being 20, married with a baby isn't exactly normal.
But I WANT to have some contact with normal. At least just a little bit.
Whenever I have plans with a friend, I cancel them. I am creating this huge gap between me and them, and I don't know why I'm doing it. I don't want to do it but I do. I don't call, I don't IM, I don't see them. And its my fault.
I think, sometimes, that being with them makes me realize what I'm missing. When I'm just with Jamie or my family, I can't tell what I'm missing. But if I go out to lunch with a friend or to the mall or something, and they mention going to a party, or to a bar, or to Niagra Falls, it stings. It stings to know that that part of my life is over and theres no getting it back now.
I adore my husband and my little girl, but sometimes I think I gave my youth away too easily.
But....
yes, in every situation, even this one, there is a but.
There is advantages to having Marci so young. I'll have a lot more energy to watch her grow up, when she's older, I will still be young so it will be even more fun, and I will get my kid(s...maybe) done with earlier and later in life, have more time to do what I please.
Those might be bullshit reasons, but right now they help me cope.
Ok...some more "helping Katie cope" words of wisdom:
Its not like I'll NEVER go out again. I mean, she's 4 weeks almost. She's almost ready to take a bottle so I can be gone longer and drink and party and dance. Everything is not lost.
But I feel like I am.
Maybe not lost...but avoiding being found on purpose.