I've never been this tired. EVER.

This is the 4th sleepless night in a row because of the Ba.

Tonight, however, is the worse. It's 8:30 a.m and I really haven't even slept yet. Marci is really sick. 103 temp, sweaty, eyes glazed over. The sickest she's ever been, and really, she hasn't slept much either. My poor poor baby. I just hope I can get some help today with her b/c Jamie is going to work.

Right now, Jamie's sleeping. Only 25 more minutes till its my turn. Lets see how THAT works out. Yesterday he tried to let me sleep but "let" is a pretty loose word. I don't think "let" includes coming into the room 3 times to ask me questions.

It's getting really difficult having a baby. I'm going to be honest here because its my diary and what I'm about to say I'm not proud of in the least, but-I don't like being a mom. Siiighhh...I always tear up when I think those words. But, if I'm going to get better, I need to start owning my evils. And thats how I feel...evil. Evil that I feel I need "time away" from the Ba from time to time. Evil that I'm not relishing in motherhood. But then again, when I really think about it, I only think these things when I'm tired. When I'm awake, I'm not like this. So...I think I'm going to temporarily blame my insanity on my lack of sleep.

But, I am crazy. I've never felt actually crazy before, but I do now. I'm not myself. I really REALLY need to go see someone before I really lose it. Jamie's finally coming around and being supportive. No more acting like its a hassle when I get into one of my moods, and comforting me instead.

OMG I can't even type I'm so tired.