I'm already having a shitty day. Seems like they all start this way. I don't know what it is, but I am so irritable. So irritable, in fact, that I skipped my second class to come here-the computer lab-to wind down. And it's Jamie. Jamie's the one who has irritated me this morning. Without really even doing anything, he pushes all my buttons. It's been this way for a couple weeks, now, too.
I don't know what is wrong with me. Lately, he bugs me so much that it takes everything in me to hold back from hurling something at his head. And he doesn't even do anything in particular. He just really gets on my nerves. Poor Jamie.
I am just really stressed out. School, work, Moses, baby, living with Jamie's crazy mom, Jamie...everything. I'm a big ball of stress.
And another thing that stresses me out is Mike the Molester is back in town. In case I haven't told you this story, let me continue. Mike was one of my best friends for almost 3 years. I met him at Damons and we hung out countless times with no real threat. I knew he liked me but he knew I was married, so obviously, he never acted on it. But I knew. I knew because he told me and I knew because of the fits he would throw when he would find out I was hanging out with Frank. He was so jealous of Frank for some reason. He acted like an over protective boyfriend on more than one occasion. So, I guess it was stupid of to ask him to come to New York with me. But I trusted him. Despite everything, I trusted him. So,on our last night, he met Rose and I in the city and we hit a couple hot spots (yeah, we got him in to some pretty exclusive clubs and he was the reason why we DIDN'T get in to some pretty exclusive clubs. We should of ditched him.) with him and his friend and then we missed our train back to Philly. So, he so graciously tells us we can crash in his hotel room in Jersey. I'm so tired that I don't even care. So we head up there, (now neither Mike or I had a lot to drink, mind you) and I'm ready to crash. Well, since Rose and Mike's friend seemed to be getting cozy in the other bed, I curled into Mike's bed....still not worried.
And then he started with the grabbing and the heavy petting...or at least TRYING to. When I told him three seperate times to stop, he got really pissed and stormed out of the room. Oh well. His loss. I'm going to sleep. So, I fall asleep, and I wake up to find Mike lying next to me with his hand in my hair. Ok. Maybe he feels bad and he's trying to be nice. I glance over and what do I see...oh yeah...HE'S JACKING OFF! AHHHH I'm still creeped out about it.
So, I know this part is stupid, but I pretended to be asleep. To be honest, I was scared b/c of how he reacted earlier. So in the morning, Rose and I need to catch the bus back to Penn Station so we can head back to Philly. Mike makes us WALK to the bus station from the hotel. It took us 45 minutes to walk there...at 9 in the morning...in our club clothes...in the middle of downtown Jersey.
After this, he moved to Las Vegas and I haven't heard from him since. Until now. He's back in town until Saturday or Sunday and I just KNOW he's going to come into Damons. My only hope is that I'm not working when he comes in, because if I am, I am going to have to leave. I can't imagine how a girl who got raped must feel b/c I have nightmares about THIS. I cried and cried about it. Ahhh I don't even want to talk about it anymore.
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So, to be honest, it feels really good to have my diary locked. I wish I would have done it long ago b/c I wasn't always completly honest in this diary about what happened or my feelings. I wasn't DISHONEST, but I left a lot of stuff out for fear of who might stumble upon it. ::cough JAMIE cough:: For example, I wish I could go back and read about everything during the times when I felt detatched from Jamie to compare them to now. To see where I'm headed. Or the F factor...to see how that affected me.
So, now that I am here...in this safe, locked diary...I am going to be more honest. Here is a list of things that I need to face up to that you may or may not know.
*I am not completly happy in my marriage to Jamie. I don't really know if he's my soul mate or not. People tell me we look like a movie star couple, but thats only for show. At least on my side it is. I do believe he is in love with me, but I am constantly struggling over whether or not I am in love with him.
*I was both physically and emotionally unfaithful to my husband. I fell for another guy and I think about it constantly. Mostly with regret, but sometimes...sometimes I think back on it with warm feelings because it came at a time when I felt completly washed up and he made me feel beautiful.
*I am emotionally unfaithful to my husband even now. I don't call him the love of my life. To me, the love of my life is Patrick. I think about him every day and sometimes I use thoughts of him to fall asleep. He is the best person I know...and I feel like, even if I was available, that I couldn't handle being with him because I am trash compared to his heart. But sometimes I really want to. I fantasize about buying a ticket to Florida and standing at his door. What I would say. What I would wear. What he would say. What he would do.
*But Jamie and I also have our good times. Thats why I always feel so jaded. Because he loves me in such amazing ways. And he's an INCREDIBLE father. I am so lucky to find a man like him to have babies with. And he treats me so well. He never puts me down or makes me feel small. In this marriage, he is not the problem. I am the problem. It is everything that I have done or am doing. I want this to work. I really do. For Jamie and for Marci.
*Yes, I have done hard drugs in the past. I smoke pot once in a while to relax. The way some people have cocktails. Its not really a big deal. We wait until Marci is asleep and it never inables me. I usually just put on my ipod and lay in bed before I fall asleep. But the coke thing. I am so ashamed of the coke thing. It was a glamourous rush, at first. And even though I wasn't an addict, I think I did have somewhat of a problem. I felt like I couldn't have as much fun without it, but that was stupid. And I know that now. Sometimes I think Carla and Emily are right not to talk to me anymore, which stings.--but I still wish they would have addressed me with it instead of ignoring me. I've seen what it reduces people to, and I haven't done it for a couple months.
*I am depressed MOST of the time. My ADD meds helped a lot, though. But sometimes I would get so bad it would feel like I was in a coma. I actually had an episode once. Jamie was going to leave for work and I was going to be alone with the baby in the apartment. And I was already on the verge of not-being-able-to-function depressed and I begged him to stay home, but he said he couldn't The next thing I remember, I was sitting in the shower, asking Jamie why he wasn't at work and why he was crying. He said that he had come out of the bedroom after getting ready for work and I was singing and being happy and bubbly and talking about getting ready to take the baby to the zoo. And he told me that we had went to the zoo two days ago and what was I talking about? He said I seemed very strange. And that I took a shower with my clothes on, until he came in and helped me take them out. He said he thought I had a stroke and he called off work and called my dad crying. It may sound funny to some, but it was really scary to me b/c I don't remember any of it. I am very scared of going crazy. Crazy like my brother.
And, I guess thats it for now. I'm feeling a little more relaxed (and very hungry) and I have 14 minutes until my next class ::SCORE!::. So, goodbye for now!