But its not.
I still feel the tingly feeling in my legs that I get when I'm this depressed. I don't know why I feel it in my legs. Maybe its my "flight" instinct. When I'm depressed, I just want to run.
And I am running right now. Running from Geography. Yet again, I had every intention to go today. That is, until I looked at my syllabus and saw that our articles were due today. Silly me, thought we'd have until the end of the semester to do all the articles so I kept putting it off. So I started to feel shitty, but I still was going to go.
But why is it when you feel shitty, someone just comes and pushes you and pushes you until shitty doesn't even describe it anymore. Deep rotting despair is the only way I can describe it.
And who is this person, you may ask?
My husband.
He sat in the car lecturing me about how I am wasting his time and money going to school. How I don't even care about my grades, and how I am probably going to lose my aid and have to drop out. "It's a waste of my time driving you here and you're wasting so much money from the goverment and loans going to school." I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or throw something at him. So I did something in between the two when I got out of the car: I flipped him off.
Thats not true what he's saying though.
#1. I won't lose my aid granted I can do well next semester, which I have hope that I can seeing as how I will be on my medicine more regularly.
And #2. I do care. I care despretely. Thats why I'm so depressed. It's not so much of a "I really don't care about my grades so I'm not going to try" deal, its more of a "I already fucked up and I don't see how any of this is going to help since I'm such a dumbass already" deal.
All I can do right now is cram for my finals and hope that it will redeem me. Which, I think it can. If I really study. Which, I hope I can. It's almost like I physically can't get myself to do it. It really is. Maybe its my ADD. Maybe it's my laziness. Whatever it is, its a solid block stationed right on top of me. I need to figure out how to break it open.
So now, I texted Jamie saying "Husbands are supposed to be their wives biggest cheerleaders. You, however, have a talent for making me feel the shittiest I could feel." And he answered with "What am I supposed to be cheering?"
I want to hurt him right now. Everything in me wants to say something to really hit him in a tender spot, I'm so angry and sad. But, I'm not going to stoop to that. If I stoop to that, then I have no leverage to my case.
If I didn't have a test in my last class, I would have someone come and get me.