I am actually sort of pysched about my classes next semester. I'm almost all done with my LERs and I'm onto my major class (which, now, is English).So I'm taking a theater class, a Children's Literature class, and another Literature class. AND, I'll be a junior, which means that I have less school left than I thought! Yes!
So, before I get into my cliche "deep thoughts from Katie" section, I wanted to talk about something a little light hearted. When I went to check my AOL mail, I saw a news section about soldiers in Iraq making funny and wild videos to send home to their families. I think that is so cute. I just LOVE boys. They are so cute. There was one where a group of soldiers ambushed a porta-pottie, and another one of them doing jumps with their bikes over sand dunes. But, my personal favorite, was the music video they made. The article said that so many people were downloading that music video that one of the Army's computers crashed! Here is the ending quote that I love:
"There are some things the digital revolution will never change: War is still hell � and boys will always be boys."
Le sigh.
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Jamie and I had a really good night last night. (And to ZuZu, I really appreciated your last comment and YES I understood what you meant, silly!) Marci actually went to bed at a decent hour, so we drank wine and watched cheesy cinemax porn before going into the guest bedroom to "hang out." And then, we laid in our bed, listening to my ipod together for an hour. I love listening to my ipod late at night in bed. When all the lights are off and the only thing you can feel is the music. It's the only thing that exists in that moment. It surrounds you. Sometimes, (and I know this must sound pathetic) I make up music videos in my head to the song thats on right then.
Anyway, when I was laying with him, I noticed how much I'm growing up. I'm becoming so much more conscience of my actions and what reprecussions they have. And I realized something: I'm never going to feel the love I want to feel until I think I deserve it. And I don't know if I'll ever think that. With anyone. I'm just really ashamed of who I am. It feels like I'll never have a real relationship b/c I'm so tainted. I can't look at myself the way I want a boy to look at me, so how is that ever going to happen? It's almost like love from someone else burns like acid. Love and me are baking powder and vinegar.
I don't know how that makes me feel, either. I'm not nessecarily sad. I think I've been dealing with this since Brian but I never knew how to identify it. I always complained that Brian didn't treat me with love or show any passion towards me. But maybe he did, but I didn't feel it because all I could feel was the guilt I had from cheating on him so many times. As I typed that, I realized tha I think thats how I feel with Jamie. All I can feel is guilt. It's blocking out all my other emotions.
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In other news, I think I have a cyst on my right ovary.
Thats all.
Music: Wake Me Up When September Ends~Green Day
"Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars. Drenched in my pain again. Becoming who we are."