But now, I have no hurt. I only have this incredible solid anger. So much that, for a second, I wanted to call him up and ask him "Why?" and "How?" Why did he do what he did and how could he be so heartless.
It started out like this; He didn't call me for 6 straight days nor did he answer or return my phone calls. I was going through the roughest time of my life; my friends were all going away to college while I kissed my dreams of college in New York City goodbye because we just found out my mom was dying of lung cancer and had only months to live. Everyone I had was leaving. Patrick was my onlylight in all this darkness.I loved him so passionately and with all of my heart. He wasmy heart. I went over to Sara Wilson's house and vented to my friends about his sudden disappearence and I tried him again from my cell phone. Then, Emily suggested that I call him from a private number only two minutes later. I did and he answered. Only two minutes after not answering my last phone call, he actually answered. I was so incredibly surprised. I really, with no doubt in my mind, thought he wouldn't answer. Not Patrick. Patrick wasn't like other guys. At least I didn't think so. I completly went off on him, I was so hurt. So enormously hurt by the thought of him ignoring me for almost a week. He gave me lame excuses like "I didn't see you called." or "My cell phone was in my desk" or my personal favorite "All I do is work, lift, come home and watch a movie before bed." I hung up on him.
And then, I wasn't angry yet. I was just so hurt. I called him a few days later to talk and that was the last time I would speak with him for months. He was so angry at ME...he was angry at ME for blowing up on him. I don't think I realized until now how totally FUCKED UP that was. And then he said it. Those words that haunted me FOREVER; "I don't love you anymore." And that was it.
After that happened, I felt dead. I honestly did not want to live anymore. And up until now, I still felt something for him. But now I realize that that was bullshit what he did to me. I've been idolizing this man for 3 (almost 4) years after what he put me through. It wasn't an ordinary breakup because of what was already going on in my life that he totally knew about. He knew my mom was dying, he knew my friends were leaving me, he knew my childhood dreams of New York City were gone and what did he do? He didn't even THINK of me for those 6 days. He didn't even WONDER how I was doing. He didn't even care to see. Not only that, but he fucking IGNORED me. What the FUCK?!
And do you want to know whats funny? We started talking again a little bit after Jamie and I got engaged and he told me how losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. How he should of stayed in Ohio with me. And I followed him along again. I called him late at night whenever I wasn't with Jamie and we had this deep conversations that would always leave me awake and wondering. Wondering if Jamie was really who I wanted. Wondering if I'd ever get to be with Patrick again. I seriously thought he was the one for me. That someone who would treat me with such disregard was worth leaving Jamie for. I thought this on and off for almost the entire time Jamie and I have been together. And then one day Patrick IMed me out of the blue. He had been reading my old journal and he said "I can't believe I put you through all of that. I'm so sorry." And again with the "biggest mistake of my life" "I still love you" "I was scared" shit he had dished out many times before. Then he ended with the unforgetable "Tell Jamie that he is the luckiest man in the world because some of us are beating ourselves for letting you go." And I bought it. Every drop.
But not anymore. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he was lying or anything. He's not a bad guy. I just can't believe I've never been angry over this until now. So this entry marks the end of my heart's Patrick era. I am completly putting him at rest. In one of my entries from that time, I wrote "Why can't I find someone who can love me like I love them and mean it?". And do you know what? I did. I found him and I am not going to do anything to jeopardize him. I don't want our relationship to be just another group of entries in my diary that I go back to re-live once in a while.