Last night, after I wrote that entry, I lay on the couch crying. I slept on the couch last night because Jamie fell asleep in the bed when he was putting Marci to sleep, and all three of us in bed is a disastor. I was crying because I was considering leaving Jamie. It was the most serious I've ever been about it. I wanted to leave him because I couldn't bear the guilt I felt when I was with him. I couldn't bear not knowing if we'll ever get our magic back. It was so painful and I wanted to leave him before he left me. To spare me even a shred of hurt. Before I fell asleep, I sat up and clenched my hands together, and I prayed.

"Dear Lord, please show me the right thing to do. Please help me figure out what would make this life I'm living easier and what can take this pain away. Help me make a decision. Let me wake up knowing what to do."

At about 8am, I woke up to someone trying to squeeze themselves between me and the couch. I woke up to arms wrapping around my body and gentle kisses on the back of my neck. I turned around and Jamie was there, sleepily smiling at me and saying "you feel so good." He wrapped himself completly around me and we fell asleep there for another hour or so. It was delicious.

And I knew again. I felt it again. And I felt it as the morning continued on.

God answered my prayers. He showed me what to do.

I'm not feeling any better about my sins and my life, but at least I feel hope. Hope that there is better in my future.

And I think I'm going to take Lerin's advice. Even if Jamie won't go see a therapist with me, I should go anyway. How can I make this marriage better when I feel so badly about myself? I can't give anything if I don't have anything to give.

So all in all, today is turning out pretty well :-)