I look at couples every day. Its become my past time. I even look at couples in cartoons.

In the good ones, I see something Jamie and don't have; crazy, can't-live-without-you love. Where you can just tell how deep that love goes. Even in couples that have been together for years.

I feel like that for Jamie, but I don't feel it back.

I am constantly searching for a glimpse of it, and sometimes I think I fool myself into thinking I can see it, but really, I can't.

I think he's lost it.

I feel like its just a matter of time before he ends it. I feel like I'm living in a time bomb.

I don't know how to make him love me again. Love me like he used to.

Because now, I don't deserve that love, and he sees that. He doesn't think I deserve it either. I know he doesn't.

He says he's happy. He says he loves me. He says he's not only here b/c of obligation. Then why can't I feel it?

I used to feel it so intensely. I was always so convinced of how much he loved me. And it was so apparent, that everyone could see it and feel it too.

And then I fucked up.

But why did I fuck up?

What drove me to that?

My life is such a basket of lies woven tightly together.

I don't know how to fix it. I've been trying to fix it. I've been trying to better myself. But I can't get over what I did. I just can't. It poisons all of my efforts.

And then I think..what if Jamie did show me how deeply he loves me? What if I really felt like he was head-over-heels for me again? Sometimes I don't think I will ever believe that entirely b/c I don't think I can ever be the same girl to him anymore. I'm never going to get my innocence back.

What did I do to my life?

People at work are talking about me. First, the thing with the drug problem, and then yesterday someone said to Jasmine "with all the stories I hear about Katie, I wonder if this baby is really Jamie's."

What did I do to myself? Where did the sweet, innocent girl go? The girl that was faithful to her husband whole-heartedly for almost two and a half years? Who had nothing to worry about when it came to secrets. She had no secrets from him. She was safe. She could relax.

Now, I'm just an explosion of secrets. And I can never relax. I'm always on the edge...wondering..."is this going to be the day? Is today going to be the day he gives up?"

I prayed today. I prayed that everything would be ok and I promised that I would be a better wife. A better person. I hope God answers my prayers.

I just want to trust *us*.

I want our magic back.

But it seems like the flame has been extinguished for good.