There's no real reason why I haven't written. I've sat down many times, and it just doesn't happen. No motivation. No inspiration. Which is odd because a lot of things have been on my mind.
The two things that I will address is my episode last Thursday and my Dad. Since its a lot more pleasant subject, I'll start with last Thursday.
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DISCLAIMER: This might be a little graphic. Not too bad, but I feel its nessecary in the description. Just a warning!
Thursday I am on school, sitting on one of the benches, and re-reading the section on Lolita we were going to be discussing in my next class. When, all of a sudden, I feel a slow but steady gush from "down there". So, I go to the bathroom, and I sit down and it is literally pouring out of me into the toilet. Bright red blood. And its not stopping. I look down at my pants and they are covered all over the back. After calling Jamie from the stall to come get me and doing a significant amount of freaking out, I write a short letter to my professor ("Sorry I am going to have to miss class today. I started bleeding heavily and have to rush the doctor's right now.") to give to her instead of having to announce it to the class, tie my hoodie around my waist and give the letter to my prof.
Waiting for Jamie to come get me was torture. I was in school, so I couldn't cry. All I could do was sit on the couches by the door, bleeding all over my sweatshirt, and waiting to see the familiar silver van pull up front. I called my sisters in the mean time and they didn't give me much hope. It seemed like I had all the criteria for a miscarriage.
I called the midwife, and she didn't seem very optimistic either. Jamie and I headed over there after a good amount of sobbing in my room looking for a different pair of pants and digging through the bathroom cupboards for a pad. When we got there, all the nurses were very solemn with me. No jokes. No smiles. Just very "going through the motions". I sat on the table in that paper gown they give you and blood was spilling out all over the table. Luckily, they gave me one of those things that look like what you use to train a puppy to sit on.
Kim (my midwife) came in and she seemed so grim. While I was waiting for her, I kept thinking of all the things I could do if I'm not pregnant anymore, to sort of prepare myself for the worst. "I could get my new tattoo" "I could pose for Suicide Girls" "I could...uh..." and there was nothing else I wanted to do. Funny how when I first found out I was pregnant, I was really upset b/c I didn't feel ready to give up my bar-hopping party girl days. But at this moment, none of that mattered any more. None of it held any interest for me. Which made things a little worse for me right then. Knowing there was nothing really waiting for me if I lost this baby because I've already invested all I have and all I want in this little life. She was about to do the ultrasound. I braced myself for what she was about to tell me. Things like "no heartbeat" "the baby's gone" flooded my brain.
"Well, the baby is bouncing around fine in there."
Wait. WHAT?? After all this blood and the cramping, my baby is fine?? I was absolutly and 100% surprised. I prayed before I came to the office, but I was sure it was hopeless. Thank you God! There, on that gray furry screen, was my little baby actually WAVING at us. Doing little bouncy moves and we could see his heart beating really well. It was a really good picture.
So, now what? Whats wrong with me?
I have a weak part of my placenta. Kim was very honest with me and told me that most women who have this (although, I guess exactly what I have isn't that common...why can't I remember the names of things?)there babies end up fine with no complications. However, there is a chance of this piece of my placenta actually breaking off and she can't promise that I have a great chance of everything being ok. Especially with the bleeding. I bled all through the rest of the day. I went through pad after pad and by that evening, I felt so weak and light headed.
So, everything is fine now, but I'm still wondering where ALL that blood came from and how I can bleed that much and still have the baby be ok. I guess it was a miracle. I just hope it doesn't happen again.
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Now, onto the more painful subject: My Dad. This is going to be short because I really hate talking about it, but I need insight on this b/c I really don't know what to do. Damn it. I wrote this all out at work the other day when I was bored and now I can't find that piece of paper. Oh well. Start from scratch.
I'm not going to try and make this eloquent or poetic. I'm just going to list points b/c I don't know how to put it all together.
*At first I thought the reason I wasn't talking to him (haven't talked to him in 2 weeks now) was because of the Marci thing. But, if that was true, then I would have written him an email or called him and known what to say. But everytime I sit down to write him, my mind becomes blank. So, I don't think its that. I think its EVERYTHING. His actions, his behavior, everything. I'm just so...sick, I guess...of it. I just don't even want to deal with it right now. Which is sad, because he is my Dad and I don't want to NEVER talk to him again or anything, but right now, I'm just SO overwhelmed with the whole situation that I can't stand to deal with it.
*I really feel that he has turned into someone I don't particulary like right now. Which is heart breaking for me to type right now. He is selfish and consumed by this woman. He puts her before everything, especially his family. Now, I could deal with him putting me aside and even my daughter, but the thing that angers me the most, is his neglect of Juan and Gi, his two foreign exchange students. They are HIS responsibility and giving them a memorable time here in America is what he signed up for. Instead, he leaves them alone sometimes 6 days a week with tv dinners and nothing to do but watch TV while he is out with Joy. A lot of times, me or my sisters do something with them, but we have our own lives and concerns right now and can't be expected to have to also pick up his responsibilities. I just feel really bad for them.
*The changes in him are so many that I can't even count. I could blame her, and on a lot of levels I do, but she doesn't have control over him. Sure, she might have some push over him, but in the end, he does what he wants. He doesn't stand up for his family or his lifestyle. He gives in to what she wants and is so willing to change everything just to make sure SHE is satisfied, no matter how badly it hurts us. I never thought that my Dad would have it in him to want to pawn my Mom's rings and what is even worse, he can't see what is so wrong about that. And, I never thought I'd hear my Dad talking about Marci as if she is a burden, but he has. I just didn't think thats who my Dad was.
*When it comes to the not dealing thing,I guess its also because I know that if I talk to my Dad, then I am subjecting myself to being on the "in" with knowing his choices and behavior and it will just make me angry and I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to be resentful. I don't want to be bitter. It's almost EASIER to just not talk to him and not deal with. It feels like I'm saving myself a lot of stress. And also, I don't want to talk to him about stuff because I know he won't listen. He'll say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and that will anger me beyond belief. So also...not wanting to deal with that. I want to talk to him when I know he is ready to listen and accept things that I'm saying, rather then shrugging it off as a way his hysterical, hormone-pumped pregnant, 22 year old daughter feels. To maybe, JUST maybe, see my point. So, maybe by me not talking to him will help him get the picture.
*And I don't want him thinking this is about Joy and my dislike of her. Because honestly, I don't know her well enough to dislike her. True, there are things I have heard about her that I don't care for, but I can't say I don't like her. And what makes it worse is my Dad told her I don't like her and misconstrued a lot of things (I'm sure unintentionally) making it seem worse. So things with her are really awkward and I don't want to see her until things are cleared up. I actually sort of want to clear that up first--before approaching my Dad. Plus, its hard to see my Dad without seeing her.
*So, things have been pretty hard lately. I missed Juan's birthday party because of all this and Easter is Sunday. Granted he is going with Joy to her sister's so things are a little easier with that, but still. I really don't like not talking to my Dad. I don't like him not seeing Marci (I was thinking about sending her with Tia or Maria once to see him) but I honestly don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach this. Does anyone have any advice? This is tearing me up inside.
Wow. That wasn't short at all. Sorry.
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SO, thats it I guess. Jamie has been having some health problems (don't know how serious they are yet so we are praying. I don't want to say what it is either b/c I don't think he'd want that shared) so he hasn't been able to work. Hence, we have no money. Thats the other situation.
Well, Marci got a hold of a pen so I better get on that.