**
I went to bed crying last night. Jamie didn't know I was crying, but it was, of course, about him.
I have realized that I can't remember the last time I had doubts about us on my part. He is the only one I want and its been that way for a while now. I am so madly in love with him, which is why things have been so hard lately. I just can't shake this feeling that he's not happy. Sure he says "I love you" and gives me affection and whatnot on a daily basis, but I don't feel sincere tenderness there. I do think he loves me, but maybe not with the same potency as I love him.
It all started yesterday by him being on his stupid computer game for over 5 hours. It made me notice just how much time of ours is spent by me sitting on the couch watching tv and him sitting 12 feet away on the computer, barely interacting. After putting Marci to bed and coming out to see him STILL on the computer, I was getting really aggitated. I told him I think he spends too much time on there and he basically brushed me off. But then, he asked me to rub his back and I told him I would if he got off his game. Which he did! So I was really happy. I put music on and rubbed and massaged his back and was going over how silly I was being in my head and how much I loved my husband. When, after I was done, he got up, and turned the computer back on! I was so incredibly furious that I went to bed without even being tired. I just couldn't be in the same room with him.
And if I try to talk to him about everything, it will just start a fight. And for some reason, every time we fight, he threatens to leave and I always end up begging him to stay. I don't like going through that. But then I think about that fact--him saying "its over" whenever we fight. And I think if I ever let him go, he wouldn't come back.
All I want to do is make him happy. Make him love me as I love him. Sometimes I find myself just staring at him in awe at how much I want to be with him. I treasure him. I want him to treasure me. I don't feel like a treasure to him.
I guess I just feel sort of unsatisfied. I have changed a LOT lately. I am closer to God, I've gotten a little cleaner, and I'm less selfish--especially when it comes to him. I do try to make him happy as often as I can. I'm trying my best! So what is there left to do? I want us to spend more quality time together. I want us to talk more. I want us to have more of a RELATIONSHIP.
Well, Marci is pulling at my hand and asking for a popsicle.