Thank you so much for all the incredible notes I got from the last entry. They really meant a lot to me. Especially you, Zu! Things have been the same...sort of. The guilt comes and goes. Lately, I'm just lonely. I really feel like a shut in, and its just going to get worse. Jamie goes back to school on Tuesday, so now, his schedule is Mon-Thurs school 10-4, Tues and Thurs work 5-11, Friday work 5-11/12, Sat work 12-10/11, Sun work 11-4. I'm trying to think of a strategy to break up my time because honestly, I am afraid this will send me into a depression. Being shut in this apartment all day every day drives me crazy. It wasn't as bad when I just had Marci because I could do projects--clean, reorganize, remodel, ect ect. But with Scarlett, I only get an alloted amount of time during the day that she is content and not in my arms. I can clean, but I can never clean as thoroughly as I wish. What I need is a good chunk of time to get the WHOLE house clean, and then, from there on I could do just surface cleaning to KEEP it clean.
Right now, I am working on the nine loads of laundry that Jamie and I went to the laundry mat to do on Thursday. I only have two baskets folded so far, so that leaves 4 more. And THEN I have to put it away. Thankfully, Jamie only works until four today, so he's going to have to be the arms while I clean. UG but he drives me crazy! He'll always be like "are you almost done?" "She's crying" "Can you just take her for a minute? I want to eat". WHINE WHINE WHINE. My dad told me to put Scarlett in a room and close the door so I can't hear her cry and THEN clean. I think its obvious my Dad wasn't an involved care-taker with his kids. I can't believe he said that.
To think of my Lerin, I really don't think guys have any idea what stay-at-home moms go through. True,Jamie works and goes to school but it is NOT the same. It is NOT as hard. You don't face loneliness, guilt, emotional frustration from not being able to soothe your own child, fatigue with no relief, ect ect. Jamie gets to go to class with his peers, work with his friends, drive around, have time to his self, QUIET time too. AND, both school and work have a start time and a stop time. Sometimes, I go days where the only faces I see are Jamie's and my kids. Last week, I went like four days with only seeing my husband,my kids, and my gynocologist.
I'm working on things, though. I started driving last week and I really feel like my license is a reachable goal now. Maria took me on Monday and I was doing really well for a good hour. THEN I almost hit a car, but it wasn't my fault. I had the right of way and this guy went and I almost side swiped him. Then he followed me and rode my ass! I was SO scared! I'm so uncomfortable with people behind me, rather than in front of me. I'm so scared that I'll stop short and they'll hit me or I'll go to slow and they'll try to pass me and then I'll hit THEM. My heart was racing.
But, I have realized something. I actually know how to drive. I'm not bad at all. The driving part is easy. Its my confidence thats the problem. I can't get comfortable on the road because I have no confidence in my driving ability. And its not just with driving,it is with every aspect in my life. I had this big realization that my low self-esteem is what is holding me back, and I have NO idea how to change it. It comes so naturally to me to automatically think I'm not good enough. My mind goes there on its own. Thats why I always feel I fall short as a mom, thats why I've never accomplished anything, thats why I always second guess Jamie. No matter HOW many times I am praised for my abilities or ANYTHING really, I never believe it. I really think I'm not going to go anywhere in my life if I can't figure this out and change it. I've really been noticing it more lately. It's in almost everything I do.
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Last but not least, I actually got out of the house for social reasons on Friday! A friend from my Meetup group, CJ,had a game night so about 6 of us plus our husbands (well, not mine. He was working) and our kids trucked to Youngstown at about 7pm and stayed until 1am! I had such a great time. There was a lot of alcohol, we played Outburst, and we just talked ALL night! The kids were ALL amazingly behaved. Marci didn't bully anyone the whole time she was there. She had so much fun, too. Scarlett kept getting passed around, and although she was a little fussy, she was still a good girl. It felt like the old house parties I used to go to in highschool, except with children. It was so nice to have that kind of fun again,and include my kids.
Ok, thats it. Hopefully its not another 5-6 days before I post again.