I CAN'T believe I went this long without updating! That is sad to me! I used to be so dedicated to this diary. I used to be alot of things, I guess.

I love being a mom, but sometimes I think it has drained a lot of the best parts of me. The biggest I think would be my creativity. I used to have such a creative brain. My gears were always grinding and inventing and coming up with interesting ideas for stories or artwork. But now, I struggle to even think of the word "refrigerator". I hope it hasn't dried up and I get it back someday.

ANWAYS...

not too much to report.

Jamie had an amazing time on his trip and we actually did great with the ten days alone. It turned out to be a lot of fun and the independence and confidence I gained felt good and not my worst fear realized like I thought. It made me realize I love Jamie because I want him, not because I need him. We did fun things like go to the Children's museum, the zoo, shopping. Even things like going to the grocery store were fun because I was in control! I actually sorta loved it :-)

At first, when he came home, things were really weird. We fought every day and, for the first time, I started to think about "life after Jamie", which scared me. There was an incident with a girl he went on the trip with and I have never been uncomfortable with anyone in his life, but this girl just gave me a pit in my stomach. So, I told Jamie I would rather him not talk to her anymore, which he is respecting. I don't know why, but my woman's intuition flaired up when it came to her so I'm happy he understands.

But besides that, my eyes were so clouded with insecurity and paranoia that it started to really push him away and I think it was the worst we've been in a good 3-4 years. I started to have panic attacks and not be able to function, so I called and made an appointment wiht my shrink for the first time in 2 months. Then one day, against everyone's advice, I talked to Jamie and just spilled out everything that has been in my heart and we went from the worst to the best and we've been doing so amazing for almost a month now. I haven't felt this secure with his love for years and years. He is sweet and attentive. Caring and confident. And he makes me feel better about myself and more like a PERSON and not some sniveling little girl chasing him around whining "do you love me??" Now, I am happier than ever with us :-)

Its amazing though how he IS my happiness. When we are good, everything else in my life falls into place. I am more motivated, I am a better mom, I like to do more. But when we are bad, it completly takes my mind hostage. I can't think of anything else and everything else in my life suffers. As much as I love feeling so good when we are good, I wish my happiness wasn't so based on one person. I want to learn how to make myself happy. To not be so consumed with our problems. To be able to function! This is part of the reason I am in therapy. I have been like this always. The problems of a 17 year old still translate into my 24 year old life. I can't believe I still haven't gotten over it.
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In other news, Jamie's birthday party was the other day. We went to a bar called Up-A-Creek to watch his brother play piano, and just as last year, Frank came. However, it had absolutly no effect on me OR Jamie whatsoever and I was even able to make idle chit-chat with him without feeling awkward. It turned out to be a really great time and me and Jamie were all over eachother. However, he didn't play the hot-blooded male when I asked him to sneak off with me into the bathroom. I mean COME ON! What guy turns that down??? We both got nice and toasty and had SUCH a blast, but we were still home by 1. I don't like to be out late so it was nice we could pack in so much and still be home early.

Alright well my sister will be here in 6 minutes and I am still in my pajamas! I will try to not go this long without updating! I am working on a twoflowers entry right now. I have half of it written and emailed to myself. I figured out that doing it in pieces is the only way I can get it done!