how my happiness is so closely hinged to Jamie.

My self esteem has been very dry lately, but recently, its practically non-existent.

And its because of him.

I just feel like I am starting to go into a dark place again and I want to pull myself out before I get there. My kids deserve better.

But I am just sitting here, flooding my brain with a couple things he has said in the last couple days that have really hurt me. And I am analyzing them. And over analyzing them. And over OVER analyzing them. And I can't stop.

I don't know what to do to make this feel better.

I know what I WANT to happen.

I want Jamie to say: "I'm really sorry for hurting you. Thats not what I meant at all. I love you and I would never want to make you feel bad."

But I don't see that happening.

It might be true, but he might never admit it.

So it scabs over. And I pick at it and pick at it until it bleeds. And it turns into a never-ending cycle with us. With ME.

Ug I am SO over it.