Well, maybe not HELL, but NOT fun.

I am overwhelmed with packing and Marci's birthday and financial issues, and to top it off, things with Jamie this week.....ug.

He really did have a rough week. Waking up at 5:30, not getting home until 7pm. He started The Fed this week and until we move, has to commute. It is really showing me what a good decision we're making by moving. This schedule all summer would ruin him...and us.

Maybe its because of his schedule and we haven't gotten much time together, or because I'm stressed and he's stressed and I'm tired and he's tired, but I am feeling SO disconnected from him. And whats worse, when I used to feel like this, I would struggle to hang on. Despretely trying to get any sliver of attention from him and affection from him. Chasing his shoes. This time, it felt so easy to disconnect. I feel myself just closing off. My heart closing off. And I don't want that! But what is to keep it open? Having to literally BEG for a kiss? Cold hugs? Absolutly no praise and attention other than negative comments? What is to keep me in love?? I used to be the only one who fought for passion...now I feel like I'm giving up.

I don't know...this could really be a result of this schedule change. Last week, I really did feel very good about us. I think also, I am very scared because even if it SEEMS good, it could not be good. It could just be him TRYING to be happy, but still not actually happy. So maybe my heart is just shelling up as a defense.

I hope this passes. I want a new life in a new city with the husband I love. Not the husband I am growing to resent.