I went home yesterday for the first time in three weeks and its the longest I've been away from my little town of Warren,Ohio. Everytime I go home, it gets harder and harder. I don't notice how homesick I am when I am in Cleveland. Its going back to Warren and having everything feel comfortable but then having that little tinge in the back of my head saying "you don't live here anymore and you probably never will again." Driving down the streets, going to the mall and the grocery store all feel like home. But knowing I don't have a place to sleep in this town that feels like home is like a slap in the face. I don't have a "home" in my home. I am close to tears the whole time I am there.
Maybe its the familiarity. The comfort. I love Cleveland but its not having the 24 years of knowledge of this city like I do with Warren. Not knowing where to get food when I get off work at 4am. Driving past things I don't recognize every day. Not knowing where I am. I want to branch out from my Coventry but I don't even know where to start!
I really hope I can grow out of this! I want to be able to go visit Warren without having a crying messy breakdown everytime!
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Another thing I am struggling with is my Dad (what else is new!). About two weeks ago, he had a stroke. Very small. Very minor. Not much damage other than some speech and swallowing problems, but he's on the road to recovery. He lives an hour away from me and has lamented to my sister about me not coming up to visit him yet. I gave my sister 1000 good excuses for why it hasn't happened yet, but I didn't give her the reason: Joy. I have never had such dark feelings for a person in my entire life and after the last incidence when I went to visit him (her cornering me in the back yard and cussing me out in front of my kids while my Dad was inside), I absolutly never want to step foot on that property again. I used to be able to play nice with her and fake civility, but after that extreme instance of disrespect and childish behavior, I can't STAND to be in the same room anymore. I can't even fake nice anymore. Its like I physically can't make myself do it. HOWEVER, does my hate for Joy outweigh my love for my Dad? No, it does not. So I have to force myself to go. He's not well enough to come see me. So, I'm pretty much dreading every second of it, but I will do it...even if my teeth are gritted in the process.