I pick up the phone and scroll through my address book b/c I feel the need to talk. Black tea and motivation are running through me and for some reason, I just have to talk. I go through every name in my phone book and none of them feel right until I hit the last one; "Vaughn". And I want to call this number more then any other.

Jamie asked me why I haven't taken her number out of my phone. I told him it was because I like the idea of knowing I could call it and hear her voice on her voicemail. I've only done it once and don't think I could bear to do it again, but I like to know its there. I wonder how many people still call her phone and leave her voicemails she'll never get b/c they don't know.

I'm in the type of mood to have long, deep conversation with movie references and goofy footnotes mixed in. Serious, but also not so serious. A perfect balanced conversation. I think about my plans to go out this weekend and I want to call and invite her to come along. She always made everything so much more fun.

She's what I'm in the mood for right now. And I forget all the time. I always forget. Not the same forgetting I have with my Mom and my brother. A small, fleeting forgetting. This one sits for a while until something shakes it and I sigh and whisper "oh" and go about my day. Its just so much different.

And I think the saddest thing to me is to know that I will never know anyone else like her. So, I am left with this emptiness and this feeling of "whose left" and a need that won't go away satisfied.