I don't really know why. Maybe because I rarely have anything to say anymore, or maybe I think what I do have to say isn't interesting enough to read.
But I was loyal to this diary once, and I'd love to be again.
I will save the updates and everything that has happened since January, and go straight for what is on my mind.
My Dad.
I want to break down this wall inside me that is built up so high that even when my sister calls to tell me he might have cancer and needs radition, I don't feel anything.
I don't know if its denial like I felt for my mom, or if my heart has been so burnt by him that its black and ashing off instead of swelling and picking up the phone to see if he's ok.
It seems like these problems have been coming to a head lately because he's been having a lot of health problems. He had a small stroke in September but recovered almost fully and he recently had surgery to have a tumor removed that they thought was benign (they still aren't sure...they just said they found "questionable cells" they would like to do radition on.) It seems like everything is a "what-if" and not a death sentence. There isn't anything MAKING me...telling me I don't have much time...just maybe POSSIBILY. So, its my choice.
And I feel like if I were to follow my sincere choice, it would be not call him or talk to him. But, being that he is my Dad, I don't do that. I call. I chat. I act like I care. I act like I don't care when he mentions Joy (or Ursula as I have codenamed her).
He just seems so...changed. Like her hard heart has been contagious for him. Things he says and does seem not to be from the sweet Italian man that raised me and brought home wildflowers for my Mom.
I have been trying to get down to the bottom of my feelings. Is it because I feel like he is utterly disrespecting my Mom's memory by banishing her pictures from his house, never mentioning her and making a point to tell US not to mention her in front of Joy b/c it "bothers her"?(which I can't BELIEVE he would consider that a reasonable request). Is it because I feel like, with his relationship with Joy, he has severed his relationships with each one of us unless he needs something? Is it because I can NOT believe he can be with someone so cold and unfeeling? How can he sit there and not even flinch when she uses the N word or talks about how much she hates Jews, especially around my kids? Thats not who I thought my Dad was.
And I think that last line says it all. All of those reasons summed up into one line. The Dad I thought I had wouldn't do any of those things. And thats it. I don't know my Dad at all. HE seems to me to be some hypocritical chameleon that changes its colors depending on the woman he's with. And my guts and my heart wrenches being around her. I have never felt like this about anyone in my life. I pray every night that God relieves me of these dark feelings. Because sometimes, I think I hate her more then I love my Dad. I would spit in her face if I could. FOr what she did, for who she is, for never apoligizing or having compassion for any living thing other then herself.
All of that. All of it.
Someone one said "Let the hypocrits be hypocrits and mind your own business." But thats hard to do when they are your father and could possibly be dying.