Tonight, on the ride home from the firehouse pub, I missed Brian.
I don't know why.
Not as a boyfriend, of course.
I haven't missed him as a boyfriend for a VERY LONG time....since before I can remember.
Just....missed him.
It's so weird having someone that you once were so close to now want nothing to do with you.
I know him so well, but yet I have to keep my distance.
I was thinking back on the days that he talked to me without anger or loathing. Back to the days when he actually had good feelings toward me.
Not that I blame him for the bad feelings.
But still.....
It would be so nice to be able to talk to him again.
I wonder what is going on in his life.
Does he still have the same car? Is he still at the greenhouse? Has he talked to his mom recently?
I wonder if he knows what is going on in my life.
Does he know I'm engaged? That my mom died? Does he care?
I know I always talk about him like he is an awful person, but truth is, I don't think that at all. He actually is a very good person....to the people who are good back to him. I wasn't. I deserve how he thinks of me.
To be honest, I am actually happy....well, maybe not happy...but ok with him being in my history class. I wonder if maybe we will bury things there and be able to talk again.
I want to know him again.
He was too important to block out of my life forever.
I really would love to be friends with him. Or at least, be able to say hi once in a while.
Sigh.
Something is off with me. I've been so emotional lately. For like the past week and a half, my emotions have all been very extreme. I've never been like this before. It doesn't take much to put me over the edge of one feeling. The other day, I couldn't find my hat and I just got in such an angry,spiteful mood. I was snapping at Jamie and not being a model girlfriend/fiance. Today, I was reading seventeen and it put me in a depressing mood. I was dragging my body around all day and I couldn't get myself to feel like doing anything. I even told Jamie that he should break up for me b/c I don't deserve him. Jamie thinks I'm in a depression. I get just extreme boughts of anger and sadness and I can't link these emotions to any event or anything. It works with happiness too though, so thats good at least. I just don't feel myself lately.
School tomorrow. Got to go.