I hate the fact that plans-and dreams-change. I'm a planner. I had a plan my whole life. Set out in front of me in steps. I was going to go to college in New York, study Journalism and try to find a big break and be what everyone told me I should be: an actress (not that I didn't want to be). Then, when I had enough money, I was going to open up a Marilyn Monroe themed restaurant in Niagra Falls, meet a rich, sensitive, funny, gorgeous man, get married, and then have 3 kids and live happily ever after.

Then my mom got sick.

Well hey, thats ok. I can post pone those plans for a semester.

Then I met Jamie.

And I got new plans. Suddenly New York wasn't as important to me anymore. Being an actress lost it's charm. I chose the life and future of a young wife living in Kent not knowing what the hell she wants to do with her time on earth...job wise. Taking care of her husband and having babies and going to school. It became a beautiful image to me. An image I never thought I would find in my head labeled "Katie's near future." I planned to grow up faster then normal.

Now, I'm confused. I feel like I don't know myself anymore, and it depresses me to no end. I LOVE Jamie with all my heart, and I would love to make a life with him. I just don't know if it's a smart idea to make such a life when I don't even know what mine is.

What am I?

What do I want from life? What do I want from ANYTHING?

I can't "go with the flow." I don't like being spontaneous when it comes to my future.

Here is what I know:

*I like to be taken care of

*I want a job that I love. Something that I can unleash my creativity on.

*I'm not extremly smart. Smart enough, but not anything extrodinary.

*I'm lazy. Beyond all reason.

*I'm bad with money.

*I LOVE boys. Mostly mine :)

*I need to be held.

*I like to create and have people admire my creations.

*I'm sensitive to critism.

*I can't spell.

*I had disappointing people

*I need approval from everyone for my actions

*I'm not a "I don't care what other people think" kind of girl, and I don't want to be.

*I love love and the idea of love.

*I don't like to figure things out for myself. I need help.

*I like to be alone a lot more then I thought.

*I'm not as outgoing and as much of a people person as I used to think.

*I think mean things in my head and I need to stop. I want to be a better, more pure person.

*I am in love with Jamie.

*I have a hard time being honest with myself.

*I keep a lot of my demons to myself

*Sometimes I don't do things that will benefit me or make me happy because they are too hard.

*I need friends.

*I love appreciating little things. Like a beautiful day, the color of a flower, all that jazz.

*I love to feel precious.

*I love LOVE the spot light.

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I think thats all. I feel a lot better now. I just got off the phone with Jamie. I did a stupid thing. I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married next year, and I hurt him. It makes me feel sick to know I hurt him. I should of kept my mouth shut. Everything is going to work out. It always does. I need to just trust that and stip hurting him by telling him stupid things like that. I love Jamie. I really REALLY do. I love him like nothing else. And I will never EVER find anyone who loves me like he loves me. I'm too lucky to have him. I don't appreciate him enough. I need to start being happy with what I have and stop chasing ghosts. Jamie is the best thing that has ever happened to me. All my old wishes....all my old dreams....all came true through him. He's exactly what I've always wanted. I'm NOT going to be stupid.

(P.S.-this is my second entry of the day and since my older entries page is a piece of crap, you have to hit previous to see the other ones. If ANYONE knows how to fix that, can you PLEASE help me? I'm going crazy!)