Well, tonight was my first offical day back to work. After tonight, I'm really questioning working and going to school. My baby was TRAUMATIZED by me being gone for so long. My dad and Sharon watched her for almost 8 hours and said when she wasn't sleeping, she was screaming her guts out and even wouldn't eat. When I got home, I rushed in and grabbed her and held her so tight. I started crying. It was horrible for both of us. I don't know if its a good idea to be leaving her for that long. I'm realy having second thoughts.
Besides her night, mine was a disastor too. I thought I missed serving, but I do NOT. I was really out of the game. I got frazzled easily and messed up. Which is weird for me because I used to be a great server. Plus I made shit money. Which is my fault because I tipped out too much and in order to go home faster, I paid people to do part of my sidework. Oh and I forgot how much I hate sidework.
So, I'm really at a loss of what to do. Before I actually went back to work, I was all like "I need to go back to work for the money and just to have time to myself" and same with school. I was really not putting Marci first. I had a "she'll deal with it" frame of mind. But after tonight, I feel completly different. Her needs and her feelings are the most important thing to me. It's one of the really "mom" moments I've had. Knowing she was so upset without me hurt me more then Patrick. It was the first hurt that was worse then Patrick. It was guilt. Incredible guilt. How am I gonna do this again?
Well, Jamie is back with my taco bell and I need to spend some time loving on this little baby.