I'm feelin so many things that I can barely stand it. I'm ultra-sensitive. Any little glitch--even if it's something small and stupid--sets me off down a dark spiral. I was in so much pain yesterday--emotional but then it started to turn physical as the day went on. And it really inhibited me from doing what I needed to do. Jamie was really sick yesterday and I couldn't take care of him, I could barely take care of myself. And then the Ba was just driving me crazy. I was getting so impatient with her. It felt like my skeleton was going to jump out of my skin all day yesterday. Then the guilt from my impatience with Marci and my inability to care for my husband b/c of everything else going on just added to the stack of problems and I felt like I was going to collapse. It was a really hard day.
The fear of that happening again tonight, as it has every night, starts everything up again. Jamie has to work tonight, and I really don't want to be by myself. I'm hoping I can go over my sister's house tonight.
I'm just SO stressed. Thats the only way I can put it. Besides the obvious tragic events contributing to my stress, there is also the stress of moving, the idea of living with my overly annoying mother-in-law, cleaning the apartment and getting it ready to move out, cleaning Jamie's room and getting it ready for us to move in, Marci's birthday, money and New York. All in this month. Yeah, that about sums it up.
About my brother situation, it's really fucked up. I'm really starting to resent my Dad. I mean, I always was a little bitter towards him for always putting Greg's extremly evil wife above him (oh and sometimes everyone else...it seems sometimes like he almost has a crush on her or something), but I was able to keep it in and whatnot. But now that he's gone, everything is coming to the surface. It just seems like with more of my Dad's support, and less of Tanya, maybe Greg wouldn't have been driven to this. Actually I KNOW he wouldn't be driven to it. So to see that, even NOW after he's GONE, my Dad is still fawning over Tanya and being a rock to TANYA and making sure TANYA is ok, it burns inside me. Like, I don't even want to TALK to my Dad b/c he is always mentioning her. The thing that stung the most is that on the day he died he actually said "Well good thing this happened before anything happened to Tanya." Meaning good thing Greg is dead before he could hurt Tanya in a drunken rage. Not that that has ever HAPPENED or anything, but he thought he should mention it. I mean GOD this is your FIRST BORN SON and STILL all you can do is think of all the negative aspects of him. If he EVER speaks about my brother like that again in my presence, I'm going to go off on him.
And what else is bothering me is that Tanya is dictating EVERYTHING that is going on. Yeah, I know TECHNICALLY she was his wife but he filed for divorce a few days before he died. And he told my sister he didn't even WANT her at his funeral, she made him so miserable. So here is the plan: My brother wanted to be cremated and have all of us spread his ashes around the Naval Academy in Annapolis where he went. Here's whats actually happening: Tanya is taking his ashes and puting some in an ern for herself and then going to Annapolis BY HERSELF and spreading the rest there withOUT his family. Here is the other plan: All of Greg's family lives here or close to here in Warren. Here's whats actually happening: They are having the funeral in 8 hours away in PA so that Tanya's friends can go. Yeah but guess what, I can't go, my sister Maria can't go, my sister Tami and her family can't go, and allllll of my neices and nephews can't go. Only my Dad, sister Tia and other brother Sean will be there. Hmmm now I just have a HUNCH that he wouldn't be too happy about that. Oh but DON'T WORRY, we're having a "memorial service" here....oh but Tanya won't even give his own FAMILY some of Greg's ashes to even represent him at this so called "service"....so basically its a load of shit.
Also, Tanya is keeping ALLLLLLLLLLL of his things. Even though Maria has his letter that says "you get everything. Let the family pick what they want", Tanya is "legally" responsible for it all and she won't let us have ANYTHING. ALLLL I wanted was a tiny tiny tiny pewter elephant that I've admired since I was a kid and she won't even let me have THAT. But hey, my Dad, being her ultimate defender, is telling me to "understand" and to "be reasonable". FUCK reasonable and FUCK her.
I'm so sick of this shit. I'm getting so angry at my father and his lack of respect for my brother. It's upseting me how much I am starting to resent him.
Ahhh I need counciling.
Well, Jamie brought me food.