Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Suicide is an odd thing.

It makes you angry.

REALLY angry.

But sad too. Sad that you couldn't help him. Sad that he didn't want to live for you and for your family. Sad that you didn't reach out more.

But its hard. It's hard to hear the same things out of his mouth over and over again and KNOW that the advice he needs you can't give--b/c he wants to be miserable. He doesn't want to face up to the realization that maybe some of his problems were because of him..and not because of everyone around him.

So you start not answering the phone. Communicating through emails. Because you can't hear his voice transform into something unrecognizable and hear his lips spew accusations and drunken babble about how everyone is out to get him and how no one cares.

We cared.

We cared so much more than he thought.

We knew what he needed but he wouldn't listen.

He needed to be home. He needed to be with us. But he wanted to stay.

He needed to be in a rehab. He needed to listen to his doctors. But he thought they were wrong and idiots and that he was so much smarter than all that.

He needed to stop drinking. But he liked to mix his medication and his booze. It was the only thing that made him feel better.

He sunk himself. We tried to pull him out, but he fought us.

And now my daughter will never know her uncle.

Its hard losing your mom and your brother in two years.