Today is SUCH an annoying day so far. I have no money to get food from the cafeteria (or anything, for that matter), our phones are shut off, my ipod ran out of batteries, and it took forever to sign online b/c the internet sucks here. I always feel stupid sitting in the computer lab doing random shit when everyone else looks like they are working hard on school work. But hey, I don't have anything else to do.
So, today is the first day in a while in which I feel mostly normal. Poor Jamie was sick to his stomach all day yesterday. If its not one thing, its another with us. But that didn't stop us from going to the apple orchard and pumpkin patch FINALLY. It was really fun and a good down-to-earth autumn thing to do. I'll post pictures when I get home. The Ba absolutly loved it. A lot different from when we went last year with her. She pretty much just sat there. I'll post those pictures too so you can see the difference. Ok, I'm rambling.
I'm feeling sort of down today for many reasons. One big reason is that Jamie and I don't have any money and we have no prospects of getting enough money any time soon. I love our schedule right now though. With me hostessing at Damons and him serving at Olive Garden during the day. If we could keep that schedule, things would be perfect, but I need to face the fact that we will never make enough money to pay our bills,let alone move out, this way. If we could just make, like 1600$ a month between the BOTH of us, things would be so much easier. That seems so small when you compare it to some people, but it seems like such a stretch for us right now. And I really want to move out. Everyone knows that. So, my options right now are serve at Damons on Saturday nights and Jamie serves Friday nights or serve at Alberini's Friday nights and hostess at Damon's Saturday nights. (Jamie can serve Saturday nights).
Now, as much as I loathed Alberini's, it was really good money and its alot easier serving there than Damons. Hardly any sidework, easier system, and a lot more buck for your time. I just hate the hours. Getting out at 12 was early for me. But, I don't know. I guess I have to stop this mind-set when I either get to do what I want, or I do nothing at all. Because life isn't always what you want out of it. I need to stop being a spoiled brat, is what I need to do.
I just want my own place again. Somewhere where I can cook dinner, and clean, and decorate the way I want to. Somewhere that I can come home from work and truly relax. Where I can go downstairs without worrying what I'm going to walk into.Somewhere that I don't have to worry about my dog destroying anybody else's things but my own. Where I don't feel guilty, lazy, or a mooch. Thats what we both need. Our own place.
I went to this website called "Writingfordollars.com" where they show you what kind of market is out there for writers like me. But it confuses me. Is there anybody out there that could help me with something like this? Any advice?
The other reason I am down today is because I watched The Fabulous Life of Supermodels on VHI yesterday. I got really depressed because THAT is what I want to do. I want to model and have this glamourous life. But, I don't have what it takes and that depresses me. I am too short, my boobs are messed up now, and I have stretch marks. Last night, I found myself praying that I would wake up taller. It's silly of me to think that height would solve all my problems. And it's foolish of me to pray for something so incredibly petty when there is so much going on in the world beyond height. I feel selfish typing it now. But, also, I'm not as pretty as I think I am. I'm really not. I wish I didn't put so much stock and importance in my looks because they aren't going to last forever. I think that is why I rely on boys so much. I think I measure my self worth by how good looking of a guy I can get. Thats why I am such a flirt. Not because I want these men, but because I need to know that I can have them to justify myself. Sick. Very sick.
Well, I don't know whatelse to do with myself. I have 13 more minutes. My neck has a really weird cramp in it that is sending cold vibrations down my tendents. Weird.
Enough complaining.