So, here I sit, yet again, in the computer lab. I have test #2 in about 40 minutes. I'm feeling like the old Katie lately. And no, I don't mean in a good way. The old Katie was a swirl of emotional ups and downs. Constantly over analyizing and thinking until eventually she fell into a deep pit of depression. She would linger there for days, not even attempting to climb out.
I don't know what it is. Maybe it's not taking my meds for a bit. Because I haven't been this way for MONTHS.
One of the things that has set up shop in my mind is the idea of constants. Friend-wise. I have realized that I really don't have many constant friends at all. I have a lot of friends, but none that I feel are here for the long run.
Most of the people that I consider important probably don't feel the same about me. Most of the people that I call my friend right now are from Damons and its more than likely that if they leave Damons, that I will rarely hear from them anymore.
I wonder when it is that all your friends are constant. Or at least the majority of them.
I just feel so alone.
I feel like I've always been alone. Always chasing after relationships and putting all my energy into making them last as long as possible. And then when they fade, I am left with nothing but disappointment.
Thank you, my treacherous friends. I'm cringing for myself when I cringe for you. ~OK GO
Right now, I am feeling all these emotions about this subject, but I'm not able to write them. So I guess I'll move on.
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Yesterday was Marci's first trick or treat. She was a Steeler's cheerleader. Yesterday was also one of my most irritable, bitchy days I've had in a long time. I have NO idea why. You'd think PMS, but my period ended two days ago. I was constantly on edge and I was mean too. And it didn't help that Marci was having the same kind of day. She was just SO fussy and whiney all day. I don't know if she didn't feel well, or what, but it was really grating.
We went to Target and Michael's to get the remainder of Marci's Steeler cheerleader costume. It was the first time ever that her hair was long enough to do something with. I put it in two perfect pig tails with yellow and black ribbon. She looked so sweet I almost became a diabetic. I'll definatly post pictures soon. We dressed Moses up in a dress and took him trick or treating with us. I haven't been trick or treating since my senior year at Juliann's house when we took the Hungarian exchange student, Rita.
And it was a perfect night for it. You barely needed a jacket. The thickness to Ba's shirt was just warm enough. The leaves spiced the air with the smell of autumn and you could hear the kids rustling through them to get to the doors. Marci delicatly picked candy out of the bowls and placed it ever-so fragily into her bag. Not that she can really eat most of it (Sweets turn her into a mini Hitler, temperment wise), but it was adorable just the same. She started to get really fussy towards the end so we headed over to my sister Tia's.
I haven't seen Tia in a while b/c she has been off doing concerts all over the states. Marci perked up as soon as we got there. She loves her aunt and cousins. Especially Julia. Julia is a baby magnet, I don't know why. After that, we swung by my Dad's to check out his pumpkins and I helped him get the pumpkin seeds ready for baking. I've always loved dunking my hand into the pumpkins and seperating the seeds from the cold, orange goo. It feels so cool. Maria and Sam came by to watch the Steelers game and we got some good pictures. That's about it. Besides the fact that I am always flustered over whether or not the exchange students are having a good time, it was a good night.
Until I got home. I don't know why, but Jamie was annoying me beyond reason. And I was so mean to him, which I feel terrible for. We got wine and we were going to rent Sin City, but I fell asleep when I was studying.
I think Jamie and I need some quality time together. I feel like our relationship is a little lack-luster lately (hows that for a tongue twister). It seems like all we do is watch movies and anything else that takes the attention away from our relationship and onto something else. I mean, how much do we really have in common? Lately, I feel like our relationship is just on the surface. There isn't much deeper then that.
Not that I don't love him. I do. I'm just wondering things lately. Sigh. Nevermind. I'll go into it later.
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In other news, 1 WEEK TILL KATESGIVING!
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And also, I would like to thank Zuzu for her comment on my last entry. Your words of wisdom were very appreciated and are helping me with my decision regarding Moses. Thank you :-)
And to my dearest Jane, your note made my entire day. Thank you so much, and I hope you're having a great Tuesday.